Vae Victis
by Fluidfyre
Summary: Time has run out, and the fate of all sentient life hangs in the balance. The galaxy looks to one woman to unite them, to stay strong and be the icon of their salvation. But can who can carry that weight?  F!Shep/Thane, F!Shep/Liara, within ME3.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** While this story is a sequel to Memento Mori & Rising Tide, it can be read stand-alone! Jade Shepard, colonist, Hero of Elysium, vanguard, loved Liara in her days with the Alliance, and fell for Thane upon her resurrection. This picks up in the interim prior to ME3, when Commander Shepard has been incarcerated for her role in the Alpha Relay incident and her association with Cerberus.

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If you're looking for a fluff story, this isn't it. ME3 isn't about fluff. It's about war. And war is hell.

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SPOILER WARNING: ME1, ME2, ME2 , Shadowbroker & Arrival DLCs, ME3, and any of the comics/books (save Deception, never reading that) contributing to the Mass Effect universe surrounding Shepard.

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* * *

><p><em>"When legends die, the dreams end; there is no more greatness." - Tecumseh<em>

* * *

><p>It was another morning of running with the dawn.<p>

Shepard's feet hit the treadmill hard, her eyes focused on the data screen before her. Her body moved in a familiar sway and gait, breath long and deep to fuel the endurance. The headline was there again – _The Disgraced Commander Shepard_. They were looking for a weakness to lock their jaw and rip, but the Alliance somehow kept them aloof. Gritting her teeth, she tucked her head down to push harder.

The door on her confined quarters cycled, and Shepard slowed to look.

"Don't let me stop you," James Vega said, and lifted the mugs in hand. "Wasn't sure you'd be up – thought you might like a cup."

"I'm always up by now," Shepard replied, and hopped off the treadmill

"Yeah, I know," Vega replied. He leant back against the door frame as she took her cup and drank down. "Off to save the world today?"

Shepard cast him a glance over the edge of her cup, and licked the bitterness of the black coffee from her lips. She shook her head and set the cup on the counter beside the treadmill, and gained pace. She ignored the monitored extranet feeds and inquiries from the Alliance and press, settling her gaze on the window that overlooked Vancouver Harbour. She ran.

The sweat on her brow was trickling past her ear when Shepard glanced to the other marine. "Enjoying the view?"

With a shrug and an arched brow, Vega nodded. "Yeah, but nothing I ain't seen."

Shepard huffed and shook her head at the routine. Because it was routine. "Don't you have something better to do than watch me?"

"Nope."

"Could always go to the aquarium," Shepard said, half out of breath. "Give you something else wet and glistening to watch."

Vega snorted and drifted across the room, putting his cup down on the edge of the small sink in the sterile suite. "I'm sure the hanar protesting there would just love it."

"They were approved passage? I'm impressed." Shepard looked over the mountains across the harbour. The stark shadows of morning light gave them a haunting depth, contrasting sharply with the peristeel archologies that blocked them. The air streamed with the early morning rush of sky cars.

"Political bull crap," Vega murmured, walking back towards the door. "Besides, I'm not sure I could sneak you out the front door."

"Ah, that's a pity," Shepard replied, losing her breath as she sprinted hard.

"They'll be another guy at the door," Vega interjected, as he looked at his omni-tool. "Been summoned by the tribunal."

"I see," Shepard said without looking at him. He was gone without another word, like always. Useless chatter about anything but themselves, anything but what was really going on. Like always. While she ran on a wheel in her cage.

* * *

><p>Shepard closed her eyes and turned her face into the wind, sighing quietly as it whipped her long brown hair out of the ponytail that held it. She smoothed her hands around her face and breathed the scent of the sea, mingled with exhaust from the sky cars and industry nearby. From where they stood, they could hear the waves and horns in the harbour, the continual prattle of life and the cry of gulls. She only opened her eyes when she heard a grunt behind her.<p>

Vega stood nearby, his eyes on some distant point as he did his best to watch her without watching her.

"Something amiss, lieutenant?"

Clearing his throat, Vega said, "I just think you picked the coldest day to come out, ma'am."

"Aw come on," Shepard said, as she turned her face into the sun once more. "I'd swear it's the first time I've seen the sun since they locked me up. Seemed a shame not to come out."

"Uh huh," he replied, zipping up the leather jacket he wore.

Shepard inhaled the wind, feeling it rush over her skin. Leaning forward onto the railing, she looked down over the city. The balcony was one of the few prison yards she was afforded – overdramatic, perhaps. But a prison was a prison, no matter what they called it, and no matter how nice.

It wasn't the sky and stars.

Wisps of clouds overhead pulled towards the sparsely treed, dark mountains inland. The air was humid and cold, clinging to the last vestiges of spring. It raised goosebumps on her skin and almost left a chatter in her teeth.

"I thought you were born on Mindoir."

"I was," Shepard said, glancing back as his omni-tool blipped. A brief flare of jealousy tweaked her gut. Another necessity she missed. Her access was closely guarded, and she was barely allowed access to a terminal. An omni-tool was entirely out of the question. On instinct she touched the scar from her biotic implant. Another piece that had been... confiscated. "Something about the cold though. I've always felt good in it. As long as I've got a bit of sunshine."

"Well, sorry to burst that bubble," Vega said, and the orange glow of his omni-tool disappeared. "Your attorney just got out of session with the committee."

"Took long enough," Shepard said under her breath, and took one last breath of the sea air. "Guess I shouldn't keep her waiting."

Vega shrugged and waited for her to go ahead of him. "What's she going to do?"

Shepard smirked and shook her head.

"We'll be back," Vega replied, and walked inside, the door cycling shut and cutting off the brisk wind. "Besides, I hear summer's here are pretty sweet."

* * *

><p>"Anderson," Shepard said and smiled as they clapped arms. "It's good to see you."<p>

"Likewise."

"Good to see anyone, honestly," she murmured, and he chuckled as they drifted towards the one window in her detention cell.

"I'm not sure how well I'd fair bottled up like this," Anderson said and crossed his arms, before glancing her way. "Keeping sane?"

"That's under the assumption that I ever was," Shepard replied, and clasped her hands together behind her back. "Though maybe Cerberus reprogrammed it into me." She felt Anderson's eyes on her as she stared out the window, before turning her gaze to him. Her expression finally cracked with a grin. "I'm joking. But isn't that what everyone keeps saying?"

Anders chuckled and shook his head. "Some days I think you'd joke through the armageddon."

Shepard shrugged, maintaining her rigid posture. "Seems better to laugh, doesn't it? What's the alternative?"

"Too true," Anderson said, and they both sobered into silence.

"It's me," Shepard said, and glanced to where Vega was near the door before meeting Anderson's eyes. "I'd like to think you know that."

Anderson exhaled heavily and dropped his arms. "I know. And believe me, I'm pulling any weight I can. We've been able to get a lot of intel from the Normandy – it's helped your case."

"Just treat her right," Shepard replied, sighing heavily and looking out the window. The sun was shining brightly, and ships dotted the harbour. Only a few scant clouds clung to the mountaintops in the distance.

"Don't you worry about the retrofit," Anderson said and patted her shoulder. "You've got enough on your mind."

"Do I?" Shepard said, and veered sideways to pace briefly. She waved a hand. "Given all I've been through, all of… this is the equivalent of nothing, sir. I just want to get in a firing range, or … or anything. But mostly the firing range."

Anderson smirked at her before the expression disappeared, and he dropped his eyes. "I wish I could tell you more, Shepard. You know why you're here."

"Yeah," Shepard said under her breath. "I know. Believe me… I know."

"It's a farce," Anderson murmured, and they resumed their posture by the window, blocking Vega from their conversation. "There are a lot bigger fish to fry."

"Yeah," Shepard said, and crossed her arms, mirroring his posture. "Too busy trying to pick me apart in every way possible."

"I know," Anderson said, and dropped his eyes. "But take heart – I've heard through the wire that the tech Cerberus used in you could make some big differences for Alliance medical. Save a lot of lives."

"Guess I'm lucky I heal so fast," Shepard said, without offering him a glance. She smirked and shook her head. "Better than being dead, I suppose?"

Anderson chuckled. "That yet remains to be seen."

* * *

><p>It was the quiet that bothered her more than anything. No – no it was the inaction. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Shepard could hear Garrus griping about red tape and bureaucratic idiots. The nothing became an avalanche beneath which they buried her with details, questions, and propaganda. It didn't seem to matter what she said, no answer she could give satisfied them enough. It was only Admiral Hackett's evidence, presented to the tribunal of admirals behind the bench, which kept her from a very real prison and a brutal public court-marshal. That and Anderson..<p>

They'd had her in the locked holding room since the final statements had been given that morning. Out the narrow slit of a window, the sun was setting on the summer-dry hills. The air was smoky – someone had said wildfires in the mountains – and the whole sky tinged a milky, washed out orange. It hung over top of the towers, whose powerful pumps filtered the air and kept it clear for traffic. It reminded her of Mindoir.

Shepard looked down at her hands. The calluses from the extended wear of her hard suit and pistol were almost gone, leaving her hands oddly soft. They'd never been that soft. Dark scarring showed where she'd been cut, burnt, or worse. It didn't stretch as much, and she poked at them, grinding her fingers together.

On the Normandy, hell, on any ship, on any mission, she'd never allowed herself so much downtime. She'd never done so much reading, never been so limited and trapped. Some might have considered it a well-deserved vacation, with the only thing missing being a cocktail and a beach. And Thane...

She had learned long ago that her thoughts were her worst companion. In action, shooting, running, cleaning her guns or strategizing the next route of attack, she was always doing, always giving her thoughts an outlet for their need. But now that starving varren gnawed within, reminding her of every little failure, questioning every action that had led her to this point and reminding her of everything she was missing. Of all people she'd let down.

Well. At least her parents weren't one of them.

Shepard's head clunked against the wall as she sunk in her seat, her dress blues bunching up. She sighed. After having so much information through so many fucked up missions, the months she'd spent in the dark were taking their toll. The silence and solitude. That none of them had come to see her – none of them had even contacted her. Though she assumed otherwise - she assumed the messages were withheld - the isolation was wearing into paranoia.

The last night with Thane was an ache that hadn't abated in her months on Earth. The sound and precision of his words had faded, even if she struggled to hold onto them. She knew his mind was doing a much better job at it. Siha. His word for her stood out beyond all else; the way he'd said it, in passion, in adoration, in reassurance.

Her eyes rolled to the window again.

An ideal she could never be. A replacement for a much better person taken too soon.

Bitterness crept up the back of her throat, and Shepard pushed out of the chair, resuming the pacing she had spent much of the day doing.

What she wouldn't give for a gun.

A marine without a gun, Garrus said in her thoughts, talk about 'raining on your parade'.

Shepard shook her head and banked right towards the window, slamming her arms on either side of the narrow space to support her head as she leaned her face close to the glass. The murmur of blank music continued through the holding room at the Alliance courts, a bland brush over the movement of life out there. The truth further tightened the bitterness in her gut.

She hadn't been a marine for a long time. Not really.

They didn't care. None of them cared. They all just went about their mundane, normal lives with an ignorance that stewed her pot even more. The luxury of selfishness. Because they had the choice, because they could do nothing - they had the freedom to care only for themselves. Because Lachesis had tugged her string that day on Eden Prime and set her on this course. Because fate was a cruel bitch.

The thoughts toiled as Shepard's eyes darted from place to place, cybernetic focus and precision letting her watch the routine go on. Fate was something she'd stopped believing in long ago.

The door on the opposite end of the room blipped, and Shepard snapped to attention as the green circle upon it activated and cycled open. Righting herself, she saluted as Admiral Hackett walked in alongside her military lawyer, flanked by Lieutenant Vega. Vega lingered back at the Admiral's signal, and he was shut outside when the door closed.

"At ease," Hackett said, and sighed heavily as she walked up to shake her hand. "I apologize for this being the first time that we've been able to speak in person since the Alpha Relay incident."

"No apologies needed, sir," Shepard said, and met his grip with a firm shake. "Where would our fleet be without you?"

"Can't say I know," Hackett replied with a chuckle, and stretched his shoulders back as he looked to the attorney. The woman nodded. "As long as you accept the OTH and agree to remain under observation here in HQ, the charges against you will be stayed."

Other Than Honourable. Shepard glanced down and put her hands on her hips. She should have been glad that they weren't pushing for a court marshal – that they just wanted to bury her. It meant she would never be Alliance again. She closed her eyes.

"I know it isn't what you want, Shepard. I know what the Alliance means to you." Hackett said, his gravelly voice dropping. "If I'd had any idea what I was sending you in to do, I would have made damned sure you have the people to back you up on that station."

Shepard inhaled deeply and clasped her hands behind her back. "I know, sir." She met his gaze. "How long will they keep me here?"

"It's unspecified," Hackett replied, and they turned to walk towards the window. The lawyer lingered behind. "You've got them scared. When combined with everything you gathered battling the Collectors, the data you brought back from Bahak has got the full attention of the board of admirals."

"It's about time," Shepard said, and cast him a side glance.

Hackett nodded. "But that also means they want you close – you're the foremost expert on all of it. They won't admit it, but I know they need you. We need you."

"Then I'll be here," Shepard said, eyes out the window once more, "where I'm needed."

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry," the VI on the console said, "That site is restricted from your access."<p>

Shepard sighed and leaned onto the desk. It was a moment before she pushed back and stood up in one fluid, frustrated motion, swiping the data pad as she moved. She tried to access another.

"I'm sorry," the VI replied. "That site is restricted from your access."

Every day was a struggle – she knew the few, core extranet sites she was allowed – to find something else she wasn't barred from seeing. The lack of information, the hazy filter over all the news that reached her, was beyond driving her stir crazy.

They'd cleared her of the charges – it was in writing that they believed she wasn't an agent for Cerberus! Somehow it wasn't ever enough – her shadow of a life continued in quarters of the Alliance detention centre. She wandered to the window, datapad in hand, and leaned her arm upon the glass to look down over downtown Vancouver. Her eyes drew to a rooftop garden, where a young boy played on the grass. It looked like there was an Alliance cruiser in his hand. Shepard smiled.

Life was simple at that age.


	2. Chapter 2

The klaxon blared across the harbour, seeming to ride with the wind that buffeted the waves and tore Shepard's hair from its neat ponytail. She shook her head, eyes darting over the destruction. Anderson was running away, and alarms were bleating on the Normandy. Their rifles punched with a rat-tatt to cover his retreat. Steel was rending. It drowned out the voices below.

Then she saw him. Across the bay. The little boy from the vents. From the rooftop garden. Not a hand was reaching for him.

When the klaxon rang again, the shuttles were burned from the sky, and she clenched and grit her teeth. The hydraulics hissed as the Normandy pulled higher. A numbness crept through her limbs as the crew called, but hulking Reaper limbs and eezo engines soon dissolved any other sound.

"Commander!"

Shepard tightened her first on the dog tags in her grasp, and searched the harbour again – but Anderson and the Alliance shuttles were gone. "EDI – get us out of here."

The hatch closed, and Shepard wheeled backwards. The sound of gunfire died, and left only her hard breathing in the hold. The guns of the soldiers nearby charged down, and she heard Ashley sigh.

"What now?" she said under her breath.

"We follow our orders," Shepard replied, looking at the dog tags a moment before looping the chain over her head. They turned around and stumbled as the ship veered. She cleared her throat, and her voice half-wavered as she spoke. "Still haven't learned to fly, Joker?"

"Very funny," Joker replied over the comm. "Sorry for not wanting to let the Reapers use us for target practise, Commander."

"Let me know when... when we've cleared Earth's atmosphere."

"Yes, ma'am..."

"What the hell is going on? Where are we going?"

Shepard looked to Vega from where he stormed across the shuttle bay. "The Citadel. Our orders are to get help from the Council."

"We're just leaving? Like hell we are."

"Admiral Anderson's orders – keep in line, soldier," Ashley said, and marched to toss her gun down on one of the nearby work benches. She put her hands on her hips and hung her head. "Earth needs help... we – we can't do this alone."

Shepard's eyes strayed and she nodded, "Exactly."

"We can't just abandon all of our people down there!"

"I don't like it any more than you, lieutenant," Shepard snapped. "But there is nothing we can do, and dying in a head-on rush won't help anyone!"

The ship banked again and the all stumbled to maintain balance.

"Commander, priority message coming in from Admiral Hackett."

Swallowing the bile in her throat, Shepard took to the console near the elevator, and pulled up the message. Williams and Vega lingered nearby, separate from the other crew stranded in the hold. She exchanged short words with Hackett, the line crackling and broken. When the Admiral's face disappeared, Shepard leant heavily onto the console.

"Joker – set course for Mars."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

"Mars?" Ashley asked, and furrowed her brow.

"Ash, James... suit up. You'll be coming with me. We'll be going to the archives, and time is of the essence," Shepard ordered, and pushed off the console. "We can only hope the Reapers haven't thought to look there yet."

"The archives? When Earth is burning?" Vega interjected, following her on heavy steps.

Shepard threw open the armoury, clunking and picking over the spare equipment there to find bits and pieces to her liking. She moved with frantic efficiency. "I trust the Admiral. He knows what he's doing… and I trust who's there. Now get your gear!"

When the lieutenant strode away to join Williams in prepping, Shepard braced her arms on either side of the cabinet. She stared blankly at the ill-fitting pieces of armour, a throb in her temple and the vision of Vancouver Harbour in ruins flickering in her thoughts. Smacking one of the metal doors open, she snagged the armour and began to dress.

* * *

><p>"We've lost all communication," the tech said over the comm. "No response from any buoys – from any satellites. All feeds from Earth have been cut."<p>

"Hmm, I was under the impression the storm was still an hour out," Liara said, and furrowed her brow. She put down the pastry, wiped a few crumbs from her lips and switched feeds to access her ship, where it hid at the other end of the relays. "Feron?" When no reply came, a spark of panic lit in her chest, and she jumped between displays, finding the extranet and her contacts silent.

"It – It's Earth…" the tech replied, the panic in her voice growing. "Our last images - the comm. was flooded – it's under attack. Is… is this what you were telling us about? It's really happening?"

"Let me see," Liara said, and leant heavily on the console. When the vid played and showed the dark arms of the far too familiar machines in Earth's sky, she gasped, "Goddess!"

"Doctor?"

"We need to get back to the site, I… I think we've just run out of time. We need to get this to the Alliance, as soon as possible! Can you get me Admiral Hackett?"

"I'll try, it's just –" The line cut out.

Liara stood there a moment, hovering over her workstation as her mind raced. "Glyph, please tell me you have anything."

"I have lost all feeds, Dr. T'soni," the glowing orb replied. "There appears to be significant interference – your satellites are no longer in orbit around Earth."

"Earth?" Liara furrowed her brow, and she gripped the console. "Shepard…"

"One moment," the VI flickered.

"There's no time, come here," she said, and with a flicker of her omni-tool, the drone disappeared. She hurried across the room and pulled up a secondary internal call box. "Devon, we need to mobilize the base. Devon? What's going on? I thought that storm wasn't supposed to hit yet?"

"It's not the storm, it's –" The line crackled and there was a smatter of gunfire and screaming before it went dead.

"Damn it!" Liara's omni-tool flickered, and she sliced the lines to access security footage. There was a momentary image of troopers in white and yellow suits – and their insignia. "Cerberus… no…"

An explosion rocked the ground, and the sound of buckling metal and screams was scarce muffled by the walls. Liara glanced out the window of her office, and through the growing smoke of a grenade, saw one of the troopers clock a researcher with their rifle. With another vain glance at the door, she rigged the failsafe scrubbers on her terminals, escaping into the ventilation ducts as Cerberus forced open the door and bore the brunt of the shearing blast she left behind.

* * *

><p>"So you don't know anything about why Cereberus is here?"<p>

Shepard stopped in her tracks and initiated the pressurization sequence. Her sigh was audible over the radio. "No. I haven't willingly contacted Cerberus since prior to the Alpha Relay – since I blew up the Collector base. After that? Let's just say we didn't part on the best of terms."

"The Commander was under constant surveillance on Earth," Vega interjected, as he clicked a new sink into his rifle. "I think we would have noticed."

"It just seems odd that you worked with them for so long and then completely cut ties."

A muscle at the side of Shepard's face twitched, and she turned as the lights went green. She snatched her helmet off. "I didn't really have much choice in the matter. I didn't ask to be brought back, but they did it anyway. And I stopped the Collectors for humanity, not some racist terrorist organization."

"Right… I know," Ashley replied, and her helmet hissed as she detached it. She avoided the commander's gaze.

"I gave up a lot more than just my 'employers' when I surrendered," Shepard said under her breath and turned away. "I expected more from you – and there are more pressing matters at hand."

"More pressing than if the one person expected to represent us is a double agent?"

Shepard shot her a glance, and it was obvious Ashley regretted her words.

"Look I – I'm just spouting my thoughts. I meant to come see you – so we could talk about… everything."

"It's fine." The doors in front of them cycled open and Shepard charged her pistol. "Let's get the job done."

"Feel like I'm missing something," Vega said as he took to Shepard's side. "Couldn't get her to talk, you know?"

"Not now," Shepard said, and shook her head as the lift settled in the dimly lit vehicle hangar of the station. She motioned for them to move, advancing into cover as she swept the area with her pistol. They were about to move when the clanking buckle of metal echoed through the space, and they ducked down into cover. Echoes of gunfire followed.

Shepard lay flat against the shipping crane, peering towards the sound, when a vent overhead burst free, and an asari leapt from the confined space. As the wub of a singularity filled the air, she was on her feet, in time to see Liara peg each of the troopers with her pistol.

Vega was on his feet, rifle primed and focused on the asari, and Shepard leapt to snag the muzzle and jerk it down.

"Stand down, she's with us," she said, and picked up the pace. "Liara…"

"Shepard!" Liara's hand dropped, and she shook her head absently. "You're here… you're alive… when I heard about Earth, I…"

Pressing her lips in a grim line, Shepard's steps faltered. "No, I made it out on the Normandy."

"Thank the Goddess," Liara said, and threw her arms around the commander. "I couldn't lose you again."

Shepard briefly tensed before pulling the asari close. "I'll do my best then. What are you doing here?"

Behind them Vega cleared his throat, and the pair parted with a stilted jerk.

"I apologize, it is just a relief to see you," Liara said, touching her brow. "Well, considering my experience with the Protheans, Admiral Hackett asked me to investigate the archives here for anything relating to the Reapers. Shepard, I'm so sorry about Earth…"

"We'll get her back," Shepard quietly said, and followed Liara as she moved. "I'm hoping you found something?"

"Yes," Liara said, twining her hands together. "But it seems Cerberus is just as eager to get it."

* * *

><p>"Ash!"<p>

There was the grating crunch of hardsuit on metal, and Shepard whipped her pistol to clip the former Dr. Eva in the head. The platform released Williams and snapped her attention on the Commander, as another shot cracked from the pistol and burst through the cybernetics in her neck. The next shots pulled with ease as the synthetic woman vaulted at Shepard at an unnatural speed, sparking and dropping dead at her feet as the clip hissed in the chamber.

Popping the sink, she unloaded another round in the AI before hurrying across the rooftop. The wind was pulling the debris away, and the fire burning on the wrecked Cerberus Kodiak fanned higher. The smoke dragged away, and the crackle and pop were drowned out by the gale.

"Vega, grab it," Shepard barked on the comm, and took a knee at Ashley's side. "Williams - Ash, on your feet!"

"Shepard, Reaper forces are incoming on our location!" EDI's frantic voice broke through.

Huffing under her breath, Shepard took Ashley's arm and hoisted her dead weight up over her shoulders, grunting as she rose to double time back to the shuttle. Invariably, her eyes drew skyward, where the tentacles of Reaper dreadnaughts descended through the growing billows of the storm.

"Let me," Liara said, as Vega tossed the AI's body down, and she side-stepped him to slide into the pilot's chair. With a rush, the shuttle's core lit and they shot off into the crimson sky.

Shepard seemed oblivious, keeping a hold onto Ashley as the shuttle rocked and careened, jolted by the storm until they cleared the atmosphere. "Just hold on, Ash. You're going to be okay."

Snug in the hold of the Normandy, the door pressurized and let them out to leave sandy red footprints in the hold. A clutch of soldiers were waiting, and they snapped to attention as Shepard blew past them, Ashley still slung across her soldiers.

"Where's the doc?" she said in a huff to the man closest to her.

The blue-eyed solider glanced at Vega before hurrying after Shepard. "There is no doctor on board, Commander. The Normandy was in the midst of being retrofitted."

Shepard spun about once she was in the elevator, standing stunned and bearing the weight of her friend. Liara hurried in after her and ushered them up to the crew deck. In the med bay, she eased her down onto one of the beds, learning forward to feel Ashley's faint breath on her lips.

"We have to go, Shepard," Liara said, leaning onto the table opposite her.

Staring down, Shepard raised a hand to act. She absently shook her head. "What do I need to do? I carried her all this way, I shouldn't have moved her."

"They'll have the best doctors at the Citadel - the best chance of us getting any help for Earth, Jade," Liara said, and took her hand, pulling it away from Ashley. "I'll do what I can, I'm a doctor."

"Yeah, of archaeology," Shepard said, and braced herself on the medical bed. "Joker, get us to the Citadel."

"Roger that."

Liara swung around the edge of the bed, nudging Shepard back to pull up the statis field around Williams. "Get some medigel, your suit is ruptured. And find a uniform - we'll need to petition the Council as soon as we arrive."

Shepard blinked and met Liara's gaze, huffing quietly before she said, "Yes, ma'am."

"EDI, could you please ask Lieutenant Vega to bring the AI we recovered? I thought we could dissect it in the secure space in your core."

"An excellent idea, Dr. T'soni."

"You'll watch over her?" Shepard said as she back-pedalled to snag a medigel. She stabbed it into the junction of her suit and felt the rush and tingle as it shunted through her weaves.

"Of course," Liara said, looking up from her omni-tool. "Your crew needs you."

"Right," Shepard said with failing strength. She snagged another vial of medi-gel, the tension in her limbs stiffening as she made it out into the mess. The soldiers there fell silent and stood up as she came closer, and it kicked something in her. "As you were."

She was Alliance again.

Back down in the cargo hold, Shepard stripped the mishmash of armour off, huddled by the cabinet she'd originally stolen it from. Here and there, she could feel the blistered spots it had rubbed and worn, mingled with the bullet grazes and burns sealed beneath medi-gel.

Gripping the top of the cabinet door, she sighed and hung her head."EDI, what's the crew compliment?"

"Fifteen members of the Alliance were on board, not including Jeff," EDI replied in Shepard's private comm. "Lieutenant Vega and Lt. Commander Williams came aboard shortly after the initial Reaper attack on the command centre."

Shepard dragged a hand down her neck and face, where yet more medigel sealed the jagged cuts obtained in their escape; from when the dreadnaught exploded, and the defence council was blown apart. She sorted through the cabinet and the next in just her shorts and bra, until she found a uniform her size - dress blues. Like Liara had said. Like she'd worn for months at the tribunal.

"What's the new crew like?"

"They are not the Normandy's crew, Commander, they are primarily technicians and specialists - though two were responsible for guarding Jeff."

"Really? What'd he do?"

"He was under investigation by the same tribunal that held you, due to his association with Cerberus."

Shepard closed her eyes and closed the last button under her chin, before letting out a sigh. "Lovely."


	3. Chapter 3

The doctors hurried away from Shepard with the gurney, calling orders to nurses as Ash lay immobile upon it. She watched them go, standing dishevelled and numb in the hospital waiting room.

"Siha?"

Shepard turned with a start, the tension up her spine cinching tighter as she saw him. "Thane... Thane, what are you doing here?"

Thane wove through the patients in the waiting room with ease, following as she stepped out of the main thoroughfare. Soon they were an arm's length apart. "I am a patient in hospice here. I came here to... be closer to Kolyat."

"Hospice?" Shepard's brow furrowed, deepened by the grime on her features. "Thane, I..."

"What's happened on Earth has been all over the extranet, I cannot express how much it means to see you alive."

The creases around Shepard's eyes deepened as she looked towards the security and decontamination doors. "A lot more didn't. And now... now I..." She put a hand over her brow. "I'm sorry, seeing you right now, I..."

"I apologize, I came over without a thought - I tried for months to get messages to you, I don't know if any got through."

"No, they didn't," Shepard whispered, still half-covering her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Thane."

"There is no need," Thane said, and exhaled the pent breath within him, the sound rattling in his throat. "Seeing you now – knowing you are safe...

"I left you in the worst way. You deserve so much better."

"You have given me so much more than I deserved, Jade," Thane murmured, and his expression softened as he touched her arm. "You gave me redemption and peace. You have let me face my end with a clear conscience."

Shepard looked down between them, the tension unable to bleed from her frame. It cinched around her eyes. He caught her hand before she stepped away, squeezing it and prompting her eyes to find his as she murmured, "It means a lot to hear that right now. I don't know if it means anything anymore, but believe me… I'd like nothing more than to stay here with you -"

"There are more pressing matters. I did not know if I would see you again - yet here you are. It matters."

"I don't know when I'll have time," Shepard said as she swayed, sucking in a half-shuddered breath. "I've a meeting with the council – to get their help with Earth. Do you... have long?"

"Mordin's treatments gave me longer than the best doctor's believed I would live – I am still here," Thane replied, looking down at her hand still in his. His breath rattled quietly, audibly suppressed. He pulled up his omni-tool, and hers blipped in time with is. "Do what you need. I will be here."

Shepard absently nodded, squeezing his hand tightly as she impulsively kissed his cheek. "I will find you. If I can. I... this is everything I've been warning them about. I don't know what's going to happen."

"Yet you do all you can. That is more than most."

"I'm sorry, Thane," she whispered.

"You're forgiven," he replied, his frame relaxing as she leant into him. Their foreheads touched and he closed his eyes. "You were long ago."

Shepard squeezed his hand once more and looked up to his dark eyes as she pulled away. "Don't go dying on me, alright?"

Thane chuckled, but the sound became distorted and thick. "As you say."

* * *

><p>"Calm yourself, Commander," Ambassador Udina said, as he led the way across the presidium and back to the embassies. The elevator doors closed on them.<p>

"Calm myself? Calm myself," Shepard replied, walking with coiled tension at his side. "I'm sorry, did you just tell me to calm down about Earth being thrown to the wolves? Because I didn't hear you through all the bullshit in my ears!"

Liara touched her arm. "Shepard... we'll find a way."

"Do not forget – Earth is just as much my home as yours! I knew men and women on Arcturus, friends I've worked with for years..." Udina's arms fell to his side. "I had a VI just to remember all their birthdays and anniversaries. Good people."

"I apologize, ambassador," Shepard said under her breath, and hung her head. "I just feel like I keep getting stuck in the same bureaucratic rut no matter what I do. No matter what's happening and who's dying."

"We're all frustrated, Shepard. This is the stuff of nightmares," Udina said, hesitating in the doorway as the elevator opened. "I'll see what favours I can dig up. For now, stay here and try to contact Admiral Hackett – and Earth, if possible. Any news we can get will help our case."

"Yes, sir," Shepard replied, immobilized as the doors closed again. She looked away and exhaled.

"We'll find a way," Liara said, knotting her hands together as the VI requested where they wished to go. "It's as bad as it seems, isn't it."

"Yes," she whispered, and lifted her hands in obvious loss. "And I'm supposed to fly in a holding pattern while millions die. Millions I left behind..." A newsreel began to play over the soft music in the elevator, and Shepard turned to lean against the glass, and look out over the Presidium.

"At least you found Thane again."

"Have to remind myself that there aren't any secrets I can keep from you." Shepard stiffened and dropped her arms, moving a step away from Liara.

"I could have gotten through to you," Liara said under her breath, looking down as they stood in the closed, unmoving elevator. "Used my agents, or the tools I've acquired. I... I suppose I thought it for the best."

"That I was alone?" Shepard furrowed her brow.

"That I follow Alliance regulations - who knows what they would have thought about me pulling strings for you - who I am now," Liara interjected. "I thought that is what you would want from me."

Shepard tilted her head, her eyes drifting again. "Maybe I've been too much of an influence."

"So I should have contacted you? Sprung you free, even?" Liara said, and leant against the handrail in the elevator. "Not suspicious at all."

Her expression melting back into neutrality, Shepard glanced at Liara. "No. You did what was right. Though I'm sure we could have done something to scare the tribunal."

But they're all dead now, she thought, and looked out over the Presidium lake.

"I have to get my affairs in order - my contacts have been pinging me without pause," Liara said, as her omni-tool flickered brightly. "Unless you need me?"

"I will," Shepard glanced to her and offered a brief, closed-lip smile. "Do what you need."

With Liara gone, the elevator descended to the presidium commons, before Shepard's pulled up her omni-tool and contacted Thane.

* * *

><p>"I figured I could at least see you, even if I feel selfish for it," Shepard said, walking between the vegetation of the garden beside Thane. "I don't know how long I'll be on station. And when I do go... I don't know when I'll be back."<p>

"Isn't that how it has always been?" Thane said, and followed her to a vegetation-clad promontory that overlooked a secondary garden, where dignitaries took lunch alongside the lake. Skycars zipped overhead, far enough to give them the illusion of quiet.

"Maybe," she said, and leant heavily on the railing. She looked to where his hand rested beside hers. "Except you won't be with me this time."

"I will be in another way," he murmured, and their eyes met as she put her hand on his.

"Thane..."

"My feelings haven't changed for you," he said, "but I understand if-"

His words cut away as Shepard draped an am around his neck and pulled her into his lips. Thane's fingers bunched in her uniform, drawing the fabric taught against her skin as their lips enmeshed. Palms flat on her back, he sighed when she dipped into his neck and closed her eyes.

"Just let me find harbour here for a few," Shepard whispered. As the world burns. She tightened her arms and licked the tingle off her lips. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

"Nor I you."

"We never had any down time. You're right – it's always been like this." Shepard laid her head on his shoulder. "Playing hero, while my friends sacrifice."

"The woman you came into the hospital with - an Alliance soldier."

"Ashley Williams."

"Ah..." Thane said, and put his lips against her hair. How many nights had he relieved just this - her arms, her smell, her voice? "Your former crewman. I will ensure she is safe. The doctors believe her prospects are good."

"Thank you."

"I have little means left to aide you - but I will do anything in my power until my time comes."

The weight of her haunting thoughts returned to Shepard's face as she drew back. "That's the reality of it, isn't it?"

"There is little value in wishing otherwise," he replied, before having to clear his throat a few times. His thumb found the curve of her jaw. "I will cherish what moments I'm given."

"Thane..." Shepard put her hand on his arm, and squashed the emotion in her gut. "Why does it different now? I could have lost you at any time – either of us could have died."

"It isn't simply you – or us – trying to stem the assault, anymore. I am sorry I cannot share your burden more than this, siha," Thane said, blinking a little too long. He reached to steady himself on her. A smile crept into his expression. "But I am not sorry for this."

Shepard kissed him again, her fingers tracing the ridges of his fringe. It was brief, and their noses touched as Thane carefully drew a deep breath. It was all so selfish. "Come with me? We'll go where it's just us. Somewhere private. Before I'm called away again."

"I'd like that," Thane said, tilting his head to brush his lips over her cheek. "Very much so."

* * *

><p>It was difficult to sort the truth from the paranoia and panic. Shepard stood nude by the window, flicking through the information on the datapad as she drank a black coffee. Here and there, irritated patches of reddened skin overlapped with the striated scarring along her hips and thighs. She downed the coffee and keyed something into her omni-tool, when Thane's hands slipped up the curve of her hip and pulled her snugly against him.<p>

"I'm sorry, I don't have any of Mordin's cream anymore."

"Oh," Shepard said, looking down at the rash. She put her hand over his and guided it over her curves with a sigh, before closing her eyes. "Looks far worse than it feels."

"Mm."

She laid her head back on his shoulder and relaxed into him, when another sigh seeped out. "That I could stay like this. Just naked and next to you."

Thane kissed beneath her ear, and she squirmed slightly, drawing a smile from him. "To me, it is where you have always been."

Shepard turned around in his arms, letting her breasts mush flat against his chest as they embraced. "Thank you. For giving me this so easily. I needed it - I needed you."

"War and mortality bring our lives into perspective," he replied, running his hands up her back. "The weight of time effaces any lingering qualms. I would rather be here than stubbornly rebuff you. The choice is simple."

Squeezing him in reply, Shepard soon kissed him, and relinquished her cup to the nearby table as they pedalled towards the bed. Her fingers traced his fringe, and down the soft folds along his neck as she whispered, "Rested up?"

"Yes," Thane murmured, answering with the vigour of his kiss. She pressed him back against the bed until he sat down and let her straddle his lap. Their tongues twined and drew a deep sigh from her, and Shepard rolled to grind her hips with his.

Thane lay back on the bed, and his fingers dipped low, toying and teasing over her nether lips to bring a flush to her skin. She planted a hand alongside his head, plucking deep kisses in clusters to let him breath, undulating into the flick of his fingers deep within her.

Their bodies rose together, a grinding tangle of limbs and half breaths. Shepard put her hand on Thane's cheek as their foreheads touched, while his own hands dipped along her toned curves. His nips and tongue in her neck drew out a gasp, a slow worship that drove away her thoughts, and when combined with the psychotropic taste of his skin, erased the deep lines on her face.

The rest didn't seem to matter anymore. Slow grinds and sighs were lost in a growing tempo. His knowing hands left her skin reddened, unaccustomed to each other anymore. But her pulse was in her body, more than her thoughts, and Thane groaned when she plied him, urging his arousal hard.

Shepard sat atop him as the light of the Presidium faded through the window of the private room, leaving shadows on her curves. Her eyes followed her fingers across his pebble scaled skin, and she pushed him back down when he tried to sit up. "Take it easy. Stay down."

There was a rumble in Thane's throat in reply, met by her lips in the red folds of his neck. His hands crept up her thighs, plying, gripping and matching the rise of his hips. There was a flare of biotic blue as they moved, and her hand was there to tease his length between her legs.

"Breath," she whispered, as his gasp rattled in his throat. She slowly sank down, drawing a deep sigh from him. She closed her eyes, letting her hands run over the tough muscles along his chest, grinding and flowing into another rhythm that matched the sound of his sighs.

They kissed again, pliant lips breaking now and then for the needed air and sighs, hips rolling together. Shepard tangled her arm in the pillow under his head, pinning him down with her body and blurring into the need, the begging of her body, and the adoring sounds in Thane's throat. His teeth were in her neck again, on her breast, fingers firm on her backside, gripping and guiding the growing pace.

It let her escape.

The lights had dimmed to end the day cycle on the Presidium when she collapsed into the crook of his arm, thoughts lost and skin sticky. His hands traced her body as they kissed and settled into quiet, their breath fading into satisfaction and fatigue.

Shepard had scarce closed her eyes when her omni-tool chattered with a priority message. She pulled out of Thane's arm and sat up to open the communiqué. A sigh rattled her and she was out of bed in another beat.

"What is it?"

"Councillor Sparatus," she said, snagging her undergarments and pulling them on as she looks back. "Asking to meet with me."

"The turians?" he said, and sat up. He paused at the edge of the bed, hung his head, and closed his eyes at the wash of dizziness. "It never sounded like your relationship was an amicable one."

"It hasn't been, believe me," Shepard muttered, glancing to him as she did up her pants. "Are you alright?"

"Mm, just dizzy," he replied. "I'll be alright."

Shepard squatted down in front of him and took one of his hands. "You don't have to hide from me."

"Hidden is something I've grown accustomed to," Thane said, and touched her cheek as he offered a brief smile. "The complications as much as the stealth."

"Is there anything I can do to help you – anyone I can find?"

"No," Thane said, and stood with her. Cupping her cheeks, he kissed her, and they slipped into an embrace. "I face my death with a clear consciousness. As we all must."

"Thane…" Shepard briefly choked and squeezed him tightly.

"I'll be in touch – if it's allowed now?"

"Of course it is," she said and drifted away. He sat back down, still nude, and watched her don the rest of her dress blues. "I've been reinstated and am in command of the Normandy again. Alliance."

"It is how it should be."

She offered him a brief glance and a small smile. "Pity we didn't get any sleep."

"You'll excuse me for not regretting it."

Shepard grinned and came back to him, running a hand over the top of his head as she appraised him. She stepped between his legs, cradling his face against her abdomen. "Not at all. Thank you for helping ground me."

"Of course," he said, and stood again, snagging her wrist as she turned away. He pulled her back into his lips, and they clung together. "Time and duty will keep us apart, but this is a fine memory to let linger."

"Yes," Shepard replied, swallowing the emotion in her throat. "If I have any say, I'll be back. This isn't walking out again. I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

"Did you get a chance to rest?" Liara asked, as the shuttle hissed and clunked through its departure sequence.

Shepard bridged a hand over her brow before murmuring, "Not particularly. Did you?"

"My contacts needed reassurance," Liara deflected. "I was able to use the time to obtain back-ups of my data, and equipment to install on the Normandy."

"Is that so?" Shepard said, and offered a brief grin.

"I planned on annexing Miranda's old quarters," Liara said, and her hands wound together. "If that's alright with you?"

"Of course," Shepard said, and sat down as the shuttle buoyed into space.

"Do I get my own room too?"

"Depends what you're willing to do for it, lieutenant?" Shepard said, and smirked at Vega. "I don't seem to recall you giving me much privacy, maybe it's payback time?"

"I'd like to think you're a better person than that," Vega replied.

"Goddess, Palaven," Liara said, and they fell silent, eyes on the burning planet growing closer on the monitor. "Is that what Earth looked like?"

"Yes," Shepard flatly replied, and looked at her clasped hands. "But worse."

"I am so sorry…"

"We'll get it back," Shepard said, though the conviction was lacking. Maybe if she said it enough.

* * *

><p>Another flaming bundle shot out of the sky, and the ground heaved underfoot as it hit. They'd been pinned at the outpost with General Victus for the better part of a day, straining to clear a path for evac. Shpeard huddled behind a black-blasted rock alongside Garrus, fingering through the clips scattered at their feet to find one cool enough.<p>

"The ranks are thinning," he murmured, before propping up to site a husk across the field. Its head exploded from the shot, as his rifle punching air and took down a second without hesitation.

"It might be our only shot," Shepard replied, snapping the sink into her shotgun before hauling herself up. "It's going to get worse before it gets better."  
>"I know," Garrus replied, and spared her a glance. Blue blood was smattered up his scar. "Doesn't make it any easier."<p>

"Lieutenant, you read me?" Shepard said, a moment before her body bubbled blue, and she projected across the battlefield into a mutated turian. The shock troop staggered, and she cracked its head with the butt of her gun before unloading a shot. She was breathing heavily and scrambling for cover again when the shuttle pilot responded.

"We need evac, or we're not ever leaving this rock. We can't hold this up much longer," she panted, and rolled out of the way as a swarm of husks tracked her. A punch of biotic bursts followed her steps. The field was littered with the burst, half-glowing bodies of the Reaper troops, and Shepard's omni-tool blipped as Cortez pegged a pick-up. It was exposed. She transmitted the location.

"Primarch Victus, I need you with us - and we need your troops covering our retreat."

"Damn it!" the turian replied, and from an adjacent bunker of cover the man emerged, sprinting across the field. He jockeyed from cover to cover, until he sunk into place alongside Garrus, his rifle hissing and popping a sink.

"Go!"

Shepard's breaths came hard as she led the sprint away from the battlefield. Stopping at the base of the rocky hill, she raised her gun and covered their backs. A well of blue light blossomed in her fist and projected across the field, throwing the husks that tracked them aside like chafe. Her gunshots followed as she backpedalled and up the ridge.

"I've got a visual," Garrus said, and Shepard emptied her clip in reply, before sprinting uphill to meet them. They could see the clutch of turian soldiers holding position down below, spraying the Reaper enemy with a wide spread of cover fire.

A buffet of force pressed down on them as the Kodiak dropped down, and Shepard snapped another clip as a cannibal lumbered up after them. Its shoulder recoiled as she shot it, and a cry rose in her throat as she pulled it off the ridge with her biotics.

"Commander!" Vega called, and she looked back. They were boarding the shuttle. In another moment she was with them, and Cortez was pulling away.

"It doesn't feel right," Primarch Victus quietly said, standing alongside them as the fighting below shrunk away. They couldn't see the bodies anymore. "So many of our dead, left there."

The door closed, and Shepard staggered to collapse in a seat, closing her eyes. Her limbs were trembling.

Garrus slumped beside her. "This is for Palavan. For all of us."

"Yes," Victus replied, still holding his rifle as he watched the vid-screen. It showed the moon, and half of Palaven obscured by the Reaper forces swarming Menae.

Shepard snapped off her helmet, and took a deep breath. Her hair was matted with sweat. "Thank you for coming."

Victus' chin dropped as he looked at her. "This war won't be won alone."

* * *

><p>Shepard closed her eyes and let the water run over her, muffling what Garrus said over the comm link. If war had taught her anything, it was to use what you could when you could. You never knew when your next solid meal would be, when you'd get to wash the blood from under your nails. It almost felt as good as that first shower after Elysium.<p>

"A reporter? Honestly, I'm just surprised at you, Shepard."

She swallowed a glup of water and grinned, eyes still closed. "Believe me - I surprised me too."

"I've always been impressed with your restraint - I know I wouldn't have been able to restrain myself all these years with that woman, what's her name - the Westernlund reporter..."

"Al Jilani," Shepard said with a sigh. "I'll be happy if I never have to speak to her again."

Garrus chuckled over the comm. "I don't know, I find it pretty entertaining. You get a twitch when you speak to the press."  
>Shepard grunted and turned the shower hotter. Another comment was lost in the rush of water.<p>

"So this, what is she, Allers? You looking for a punching bag or something?"

"That's Vega's role." Shepard smirked and shook her head, running her hands into her hair and turning around to let the hot water run down her back. "We need the galaxy to see what's going on. I hope that feeds from the Normandy bolster enlistment numbers. Maybe it'll give them hope... someone once told me I did that sort of thing. Gave people hope."

"Or a black eye. Either way, I'll be happy to watch."

Shepard knocked off the water, and quickly dried, before her comm. blipped again. "What?"

"You eaten?" Garrus said.

"Give me a few. I'll meet you down there."

The mess was quiet, the ship in its night cycle and running stealth. Garrus glanced over to Shepard as he snapped a dextro nutrient pack to heat it. He lifted the bowl he had for her, some reconstitute, high protein ration in it.

"Thanks."

"I remember your appetite."

Shepard leant against the prep table, poking at the hot food. "Have you heard from your family?"

Garrus shook his head, his hand halting in the dish it stirred, before resuming. "No."

"Everywhere's pretty chaotic right now," Shepard said. "You will."

"Yeah."

They meandered towards the battery and sat down on the steps, picking at their respective meals.

"Have you heard from Thane?"

Shepard nodded. "He's on the Citadel. His... health is failing. But I saw him."

"I'm sorry. He's a good man - good marksman too. Could have used him with us."

"Yeah," she whispered. "He forgave me. Just like that."

Garrus exhaled and looked across the mess. "It's easy to overlook small grievances when the galaxy takes a hard right towards oblivion."

"It means a lot that you're here, Garrus. I know after the relay incident, how I acted -"

"Do you really think any of that matters, Shepard?" Garrus said under his breath, and narrowed his eyes at her. "If you think I'd let you walk into this alone, maybe being incarcerated did something to that head of yours."

Shepard smirked and shook her head, looking down. "Maybe it did. But I came out all right the last time someone poked around in there. Well, mostly."

He chuckled once and finished the rest of his ration. "What about Mindoir?"

"Last I checked it was still there. Reaper free too," she replied. "Can't really expect it to stay that way."

"Did you ever go back? After..."

"No," Shepard interjected, and forced another mouthful of the rations down. "Never had the time."

Garrus stretched a leg out, and the bowl came to rest on his thigh as he heavily sighed. "We talked about it - we knew it was coming. Could we ever have imagined it would be like this? I... I just keep seeing Palavan."

"I know," Shepard murmured, absently pushing her food around. "Earth wasn't my home, but it's humanity's home. It always held some sort of reverence for me as a kid, you know? Even if it was in an Alliance cell, there was something about being there." She sighed.

* * *

><p>"You know, I think you're the only XO I've ever had that wore their blues when it wasn't mandated they do so," Vega said from across the hold.<p>

Shepard smoothed a hand down the front of her Alliance navy dress blues, before turning to tuck the bits of her armour into storage. "You're still young. And I was under the impression you disappeared a while - maybe you'd have had the chance to?"

"Not what I meant, Lola," Vega said with a chuckle, pulling up a haptic display to ID the pieces of hardsuit damaged. "You could wear anything – in fact, I'm pretty sure anything would be more comfortable than that. So, something tells me you've got a reason."

"It anchors me." Righting her posture, Shepard walked up beside him, adding her own notes to the report before a swipe of her omni-tool filed it in the database. Her voice dropped. "War, survival – they're a frame of mind. When I put this on – when I feel this collar – it puts me there. It reminds me that everyone is depending on me." Her eyes swung away. "And it makes me feel a little more like maybe we have a chance."

"Hmm."

"They can't relax – the people back on Earth, on Palaven – why should I? They're dying." Shepard looked down and let out the breath she held. "The least I can do is put on my best suit in memory of their sacrifice, and try my damndest to keep the Reapers from destroying everything."

"Shit… sounds like you need a drink," Vega said, and crossed his arms. They both focused on something unseen. "How do you deal?"

"Maybe I don't. It's not my job to," she said, and nudged him with her elbow. "But I'll keep it together. And maybe it'll give others the strength they need."

* * *

><p>They had been talking for more than half an hour.<p>

"We're going to Eden Prime before we pick up Wrex for the war council," Shepard said, sitting beside Ashley in the hospital. Her fingers squeezed together in her lap. "I wish you could be there with me."

"Believe me, so do I. I don't know how Wrex would feel about it." Ash replied, weakly smiling. "Though I think I'd just slow you down."

"Naw, we've already got one cripple on the ship, what's another?" Shepard said, and looked back at her. "We'll get EDI to strap you to her back. Those arms look okay, I'm sure you can still shoot."

"Shooting at a war council meeting? That'll go well." Ashley laughed quietly, but struggled to stop. Her eyes closed in pain. "Ah damn it. EDI. Isn't that the VI on the ship?"

"VI might be a bit of a white lie. She rewired that platform who…" Shepard stopped short and swallowed thickly. "Well, don't shoot her when you see her, if you can help it. I don't think Joker would ever forgive you."

"So it's true," Ash whispered, laying her head back. "I'd heard rumours, but didn't know what to believe."

"That's been a common theme."

They fell silent again, eyes averted.

"Things will get better," Ash quietly said, and closed her eyes when Shepard patted her arm. "I promise it'll get easier for me, Commander."

"Just take the time you need. That's an order." Shepard sat back as her omni-tool blipped. She glanced at it before saying. "I heard from Anderson. He's organizing the resistance back on Earth."

Ashley let out a deep sigh, and turned her eyes upward. "That means more than I thought, you know." When Shepard's omni-tool blipped again. "You going to take that?"

"Just dignitaries and politicians," Shepard said under her breath, and grinned. "I might give them the time of day if they were proper soldiers."

"Go give them hell," Ashley murmured, and blinked lengthily. "Think I'm at the end of my energy anyway."

Shepard stood up and put a hand on her leg. "I'll keep that advice in mind." She walked through the hospital, lingering to search the faces before ducking to the transport. She sunk into the passenger seat and keyed in her destination. Her gaze was drifting out the window when her omni-tool pinged again. This time she pulled up the communiqué.

"Thane - it's good to hear you," Shepard said. The bright lights of the Citadel tried to blind the truth that lay beyond the Widow relay. "I'm in transit, off to welcome the dalatrass aboard the Normandy. I'm sorry I can't make it to see you."

"I understand." Thane replied in her ear. "Your crewman in the hospital woke. She is in my physiotherapy class."

"I saw her. It let me sigh a bit in relief. How have you been?"

"As well as can be expected – I have been spending time with Kolyat."

"I wish I could be there," Shepard said, and smiled despite herself. "Not sure if he'd want me there though."

"He asked about you."

"I don't know if that's a good thing or not."

"I'm afraid neither do I," Thane chuckled.

"Approaching the salarian embassies," the tram VI indicated.

"I need to be going," Shepard said with a sigh. "It was good to hear you."

"And you, siha."

The line went dead, but Thane didn't open his eyes. He sat in the light of the presidium, no warmth in its sunny glow. His thoughts lay in the near past, where close breath and subtle laughter were, her touch, her face; before the relay, before the Reapers – when the annihilation of only one species was the threat. What were her words, what had she said? He had believed her, he had known – but always, they wished for more time.

_"Thane..." A whisper in the dark, followed by a needing caress. Awake from light sleep to respond; needed kisses and stolen moments of joy. A voice follows, the words lost to something more than the moment._

Words he once knew. They were gone – like so many moments.

He swallowed the flutter of panic and looked out over the lakes from his small apartment near the hospital. A thick cough roused in his throat and a wave of dizziness tried to keep him in his seat. Rising despite it, he felt along the wall to guide himself onto the communal balcony, straining to conceal the need of his deep breaths.

_ "You love her." The words Kolyat speaks are a statement, not a question. The life of the Citadel ebbs around them, but she is not there. Not Shepard. Not Irikah. He is coming to die without them. "Yes."_

The doctors advised against the solipsism. Yet the memories reminded him of how he had found peace. Even if they slowly dissolved into sand. He knew it was the call of the sea; the waters rose in his lungs as surely as a tide. Dribble castles in the sand. There would be no fear in it, save for leaving her behind.

Thane closed his eyes and leant onto the balcony.


	5. Chapter 5

"So why come down here?" the soldier said, sitting forward in the booth beside her. The beats of Purgatory thumped all around them.

"I don't even want to talk about it," Shepard muttered, and downed the shot. She raised a hand to signal a waitress, and motioned for another round. "Needless to say I'm tired of pacing on my ship."

Vega's eyes sparkled across the table, and he leant an arm over the back of his chair. "Tired of dancing too."

The truth of the matter was, the dalatrass hadn't even been at the embassies. Summoned to guard the transfer of the delegation and coordinate ship movements, and the damned figurehead wasn't even on the station yet. Another day.

Another day of waiting, of people dying.

"Oh I'll dance any time," Shepard said with a smirk. "Anywhere, anytime."

"Maybe we should then," another soldiers said, moving to get up – but Vega stopped him and laughed.

"I've heard how bad of a real dancer Shepard is. Her moves with her fists have much more finesse, though."

A lady soldier put her drink down. "They let you fight aboard the Normandy?"

"It gets things done a lot more efficiently than talking," Shepard said, her words almost slurring together a bit. She smiled at the woman. "They spar on turian ships, you know? And look at the proficiency of their military."

"I don't know…"

"I do," Shepard said, and motioned around the table as more drinks came. "Wouldn't it be easier if you could just hit your commander now and then? And then it'd be done with? Oh don't think you're getting out of this one."

"I don't know," a marine groaned, shaking his head.

"Commander fuckin-Shepard is buyin' your drinks, and you're gonna turn her down?" another piped up.

"I can barely see straight," the marine muttered, but leant forward and took the glass.

"Isn't that the point?"

Shepard laughed. "If any of you can after this, I'll req you any mod you want. And I mean any." She watched as they downed their glasses, before drinking her own, and settling back in her chair with a smug grin.

"Maybe you'll loosen up a little now, eh Lola?" Vega said, and nodded towards her. "Didn't Joker get you a hoodie or something? N7?"

"Yeah," Shepard said, and licked her lips. "Maybe."

"So," the marine beside her cleared his throat her grew bold, "care to join me for a dance."

Grabbing her beer, Shepard's lips quirked into a smile and she said, "Kid, you are barking up the wrong tree."

* * *

><p>Thane's eyes opened the instance he heard the sound. There was another thud, and the door to his small apartment chimed and its green light spliced the dark. He was on his feet in another moment, suppressing a wheeze as he pulled on a thin robe. A quick scan showed a familiar presence on the other side, and he opened it to find Shepard there, leaning heavily upon the doorframe.<p>

"I woke you, didn't I," she said, her words nearly slurred together. When she made to stand up, Thane caught her arm and steadied her.

"I don't mind, I assure you," he said. Her dress blues were wrinkled, the jacket half-undone, and her hair was tousled out of its usually neat bun.

"I just... wanted to see you." An antiseptic edge followed her breath.

"Come in," Thane said, and cleared his throat.

Leaning on his shoulder, Shepard followed him into the apartment. "I'm sorry for waking you."

"It's nothing," he replied, and eased her into a chair. "Water?"

"Please," she said, and her head rolled to look out the thin blind over the window. "I should have messaged you."

"Oh?"

Shepard exhaled heavily and closed her eyes. "When I was at the detention centre I tried not to think about us. About you. Because it was easier."

"You were in an uncompromising situation."

"You don't have that luxury. So why did I?"

Thane put the glass of water in her hand and exhaled as he sat down beside her.

_ Dim lights conceal the disarray, but not the sounds of sleep. Half-snoring, her eyes closed and limbs askew. The drink still swims in his veins, a night of victory after Omega 4, of relief. A smile on his lips to see the stresses gone from hers._

"Self preservation."

"Always making excuses for me," she murmured, smacking her lips before downing the rest of the water. She leaned back on an arm and watched him.

"You don't think you did the same for me?" he asked, and there was a quiet rumble in his throat as he took her hand. "There is so much darkness in my past, yet you showed me there was still light. You let me find it once more. I showed you what I was – what I had done – and yet you loved me."

"Loved," Shepard softly huffed, and her head rolled. "It didn't go away, you know. It's still there."

"Not what I meant," he said, and smiled at the admission. "But it isn't something I would ever tire of hearing from you."

"I missed you smiling. Smiling for me," she murmured, her frame slumping more on the bed. "Do you ever get mad, Thane?"

"Yes," he said with a chuckle, "when it matters. Though, I've had more than my share of irrational anger. Where were you tonight?"

"Purgatory. Spend my time there before going back to hell," Shepard replied, closing her eyes and lying back on the bed.

"The mountain's of such sort that climbing is hardest at the start; but as we rise, the slope grows less unkind."

Shepard softly sighed and her hand fell on his thigh. "I wish I could believe that."

Thane took her hand again, his thumb rubbing into her palm. "You may stay here if you wish – that is, if your presence is not immediately required anywhere?"

"I'd like that," she quietly said, her eyes still closed as she lay on the bed. "I'll be sober soon – promise. Staying drunk is a lot more difficult these days."

* * *

><p>"Goddess, I still cannot believe it," Liara said, sitting alongside Shepard in the mess. They spoke in hushed whispers as the crew slept around them.<p>

"I know how surreal it is for me – honestly, I've been impressed with your restraint."

"What do you mean?"

"Liara, you are the biggest Prothean nerd I know." When Liara looked away with colour on her cheeks, Shepard laughed. "Don't be embarrassed, it's terribly cute. And I've always been jealous of how smart you are."

"Honestly, I've wanted nothing more than to stay in his room and ask him any number of questions." Liara's eyes glazed a bit as she looked across the table, until she refocused. "What was it like down there? Seeing the past? Seeing Eden Prime in his time?"

"Painful," Shepard quietly said. "It isn't just… seeing. It is feeling, it is being there, it – it was smells, and sounds. And pain."

It's what will become of us, she thought.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"I know," Shepard replied with a thin smile. "It's the cipher. It's better that no one else can see it. It isn't something you want to go through."

"My questions are the last thing you need," Liara said, and shifted in her seat.

"It's alright."

"Especially when you're losing sleep."

Shepard looked down, picking at her rations once more. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, I remember you eating when you couldn't sleep, after going for a run," Liara stated, and folded her arms together on the table. "From what I've observed, most humans don't deal with insomnia that way. That, and everyone who isn't part of the night rotation are asleep."

"What's your excuse?"

"I was waiting for an information drop from Feron," Liara replied, keeping her eyes on the Commander.

"It's dreams," Shepard simply said, before pushing her plate away. "About Earth. About everything."

"I feel better when I know you can't sleep," Liara said. "I mean it. I think most everyone is having trouble – maybe others would lose hope at the thought, but more than anything… you're so strong, Shepard. If this rattles you, then I feel like it's reasonable to be upset myself."

"Misery loves company," Shepard said, and stood up. She gave Liara's shoulder a squeeze before drifting to store put her dish away.

* * *

><p>"We'll reach Sur'Kesh within the day. We reconvene at 1200 Citadel time, prior to departure. Agreed?" Shepard said, leaning heavily on the edge of the table. The dalatrass huffed and left the room without a word, while the Primarch nodded in agreement before returning to the war room. Wrex remained.<p>

"I appreciate this, Shepard."

"Say that when we've gotten the females back. This is a shit move by the salarians. I'm sorry."

"It's expected."

"Yeah," she replied, and marched out of the war room. She made a beeline for the elevator, only to be met with Javik's voice on her comm.

"They are wasting time."

"Are you listening in our talks?"

Javik ignored her. "These petty quarrels do not matter."

"They matter to them," Shepard said under her breath.

"The turian is the only one who sees it."

"Garrus?"

"No – the other. There is truth in his words – that he would do anything to end this war and save his people."

"And I wouldn't?"

There was a pause. "I do not believe so."

Shepard huffed to herself, shaking her head and putting her hands on her hips. The elevator had stopped at the loft. "Is it worth it? If you lose everything you are?" There was silence on the line, and she walked into her quarters. "The turians say that if one person, one soldier, is left standing at the end of a battle, then it is a victory. Is that so for the Protheans?"

"No," he finally said. "I am no victory."

"You are vengeance," Shepard said, and rubbed her eyes. "Something we don't need just yet."

"Then you wish that I would go? Is that so?"

Shepard smirked and shook her head. "Hardly. You're more experienced fighting Reapers than anyone. I'd be an idiot not to enlist your aide. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let you dictate my actions."

"Perhaps you are not so great a fool as I thought."

Another blip showed on Shepard's comm. Traynor relayed a message regarding a distress signal from Grissom Academy. "Just a little fool then?"

* * *

><p>"Why are you here! What do you want?" Shepard yelled, holding the Cerberus soldier in her clutches. The man gurgled a reply, shuddering in pain. She stood up and there was a flick of light before she stabbed him with her omni-blade to end it quickly. She was staring at the bloody body when Garrus came to her side.<p>

"Everything okay?"

"Depends who you ask," Shepard replied, still staring at the soldier.

Garrus shifted his weight and finally collapsed his rifle. "This was bullshit. Did you see the yagh?"

"I was able to hack a good portion of their data - we can have a more in depth look," Shepard said as she knelt down. "They were going to uplift them."

"Because it worked so well last time."

"We'll discuss it on the ship," she said, and pried off the soldier's helmet. "I don't trust this place."

"Spirits… they're husks!"

"Not quite," Shepard said, and pulled up her comm. "Cortez, do we have any stasis fields on the Kodiak?"

"There's the medical pod, ma'am."

"Get it."

"You really sure that's wise?"

Shepard stood up and crossed her arms, frowning as she stared down at the modified face and mechanical eyes. "They looked like this on Mars. I feel like we should be able to learn something from them."

"If you'll excuse me saying, that sounds more like Cerberus talking than you."

There was a twitch beside her eye, and she took a step back. "To learn what we're up against. This is the second time they've been here to interfere – what else might Cerberus do to try and fuck us over?"

"You know just as well as I that that is Reaper tech," Garrus said as he pointed down at the body. "Nothing good can come from that."

Shepard bristled and closed her eyes. "I know. Damn it, I know."

"You have the right intentions, Shepard. Hell, you've had the best intentions of anyone I've known. Most don't, so unless you plan on picking it apart to learn its secrets rather than holding your gun, leave it here. Go with your gut. Now's not the time to go changing that."

She looked back down at the body one more time, before stepping away from the pooled blood. "Let's go."

* * *

><p>"Talk outside," Mordin said, and he led Shepard from the medical bay. "Eve requires sleep, more than I, run data while she rests."<p>

"As you say, Doctor," Shepard said as they walked down the deck. "How is she doing?"

"Better than expected. Maelon's work an asset, could not treat complications without it." He briefly glanced back to the medical bay, before they rounded a corner to make for the observatory deck. "Will require equipment for synthesis and manipulation, more than present."

"Anything you need, we'll get it," she said, and crossed her arms as they went to stand by the window and look out on the stars. "This initiative has the backing of three galactic governments, so funding won't be an issue. It would be nicer if the salarians were on board, but…"

"Cannot see past hatred – frightened, understandably so," Mordin replied as he manipulated his omni-tool.

"You aren't worried what your own government will think of you?"

Mordin inhaled and blinked lengthily before replying. "Considered alternatives, possible backlash. Don't care. Not their choice anymore."

Shepard smiled briefly as she nodded. "I'm glad to hear it – glad that you made this decision."

"And what about you, Shepard? Destroyed facility on Virmire – stopped Maelon. Yet now curing genophage."

"It's like you said. The situation has changed. This is for the krogan, it isn't someone else trying to take advantage of them again – trying to use them." She shook her head, looking at the black. "1400 years is a long time to have the course of your culture controlled."

"For humans, perhaps," Mordin said, finally dropping his omni-tool. "Salarians, certainly. But krogan? Only a few generations."

"I forget about that sometimes," she murmured, and glanced at him. "Lucky bastards. Can you imagine what you'd do with 1000 years?"

"Yes," he said and took a quick breath and offered a small smile. "But time brief – perhaps best for galaxy."

"I'm sure I could find a laundry list of people who'd say the same thing about me," Shepard said with a smirk. "Ah – but I wanted to come and thank you."

"Oh?"

"For what you did for Thane. Because of your work he's had more time – with Kolyat, and with me."

Mordin grinned. "Had not realized he was in contact. Glad to hear he's still alive."

"He's in hospice at the Citadel."

"Should have done more," Mordin said with a sigh, and shook his head. "So many problems – so much suffering. So little time to fix them."

"You did more than most," she said and put a hand on his shoulder. "I got to see him again, and that means a lot to me."

"Should have spoke sooner – will mix salve for rash. I insist."

Shepard closed her eyes but smiled none the less. "Not what I meant."

"Yes. Understand apprehension discussing inter-species liaisons," Mordin said, and nodded to her. "Will try not to tell Garrus."

"I, on the other hand," EDI's disembodied voice came from nearby.

Shepard covered her eyes and said under her breath, "Great."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry I'm so slow posting as of late. I'm neck deep in my thesis right now, and all my writing stamina is going into it. But I'm working on it! Just slowly :) Have no fear.**

* * *

><p>"One step ahead of us," Shepard hissed as she sunk into cover alongside EDI and Garrus. She gave a hand signal to advance, the enemy gunfire following them through the Academy.<p>

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that Cerberus was starting to get under your skin."

Shepard popped a sink and rolled behind a planter, before her biotics flared and ripped the two gunmen out of cover. She levelled her pistol at them and let off a volley of shots, when half the planter shattered from an Atlas rocket, forcing her to move. "They always pissed me off."

"Least Jack's here," he said, comfortable where he sat propped up to snipe.

"Can't even get my head around that one."

"Commander, I see an opening," EDI said and cut through their chatter.

"Take it," Shepard ordered, and hoisted her gun. "Garrus, suppressive fire!" In another blur of blue fire, she smashed into the hulking machine from behind, and plates of metal flew, clanking around the atrium. The mech staggered, servos and joints whirring as cyber-warfare suites infiltrated its weakened VI. When it slumped to a knee, Shepard smashed the glass protecting the handler and hauled the Cerberus soldier out. Met only with a wet, choking sound, she quickly put him down.

"Jack." Shepard switched comms. "Your team still alright?"

"Yeah, we're just peachy, Shepard," came the reply, when the biotic vaulted down from the second level. She spared a glance at the bloody soldier. "You know, I'm almost beginning to think you know how I feel about them."

"It isn't just here, they've been everywhere, hampering every step," Shepard replied. "They're trying to destroy our only chances of survival."

"It's bull, I know," Jack said, crossing her arms and staring the Commander down. "What can I say other than I told you so?"

"Thanks? For saving your ass again?" Garrus cut in as he collapsed his rifle.

"Hah!" Jack flexed a hand and spared Shepard a glance. "What are you doing with this loser? Where's your drell?"

"In a hospital."

"Ah shi- crap," she said under her breath. "Sorry Shep. He was cute."

"Still is," Shepard replied, and looked up to the students spying on them. She tilted her head towards Jack. "You were kidding about being a teacher here, right?"

"Nope." Jack smirked and crossed her arms. "Almost proud of the little bastards."

"We need to get you all safely out of here."

"Thanks for the heads up." Jack rolled her eyes before staring the Commander down. "You going to get us out of here or what?"

"Get a hold of Sanders. We need to know our next move."

* * *

><p>"And keep your ass alive if you can, Admiral," Shepard said, her posture relaxed. Anderson shook his head and chuckled.<p>

"You too, Shepard."

"Wait – one more thing before you go," Shepard motioned nearby, and moved to allow someone else to step onto the QEC transponder.

"Kahlee," Anderson's expression shifted. "I thought you were already on the Citadel."

"Not yet," she replied with a quiet chuckle.

Shepard stepped out into the war room without a word. Liara was by the display deck, discussing schematics with the Primarch. She looked up and concluded their conversation to keep up with the Commander as she walked through.

When they made it into the conference room, Liara said, "I'm aware there's a situation Primarch Victus asked you to handle for him."

Shepard arched her brow and glanced at her as she stopped. "Yes. And he's particularly tight-lipped about the job. I don't like going in blind."

Liara extended a datapad towards her. "I couldn't find much, the Heirarchy's encryptions have grown more complicated with the invasion and I've lost many of my agents."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Shepard said and looked down at the pad. She quickly scrolled through. "This hints at a lot, but nothing concrete."

"There's also information about the hazards of travel and merely being on the surface of Tuchunka. The area indicated by the Primarch isn't near any of the settled zone – but I also have a suit modification that may help with some of the lingering radiation."

Shepard briefly smiled. "I'm not really sure how I'd get through most of this without you around, Liara. I appreciate it. Sometimes I wonder how much information is really at your fingertips."

"I think even you'd be surprised."

"Oh?"

Liara motioned towards the door, and they made it through the security check-point. "Had you thought on how Jack was able to get a position at such a prestigious place like the Grissom Academy?"

Shepard tried not to grin. "I wasn't going to question it too heavily. Human biotics are in short supply. They need the best to push their students. And demeanour aside, Jack is one of the best."

"She's also a former pirate and psychopath."

"I'll reserve judgement on whether the latter is former," Shepard said, grinning now.

"You asked me to take care of your crew, and that is what I did."

Shepard stopped by her message terminal, turning her smile down from Liara as she read. "You did. When I couldn't. How did you do it?"

"I wouldn't be a very good information broker if I couldn't access those sort of things, now would I?"

"None can compare." Shepard exhaled heavily and took Liara aside. "I'm bringing Garrus and Vega with me. I need you to help Traynor monitor comms."

"I'd rather be down there."

"I know. But that's not where I need you." Shepard squeezed her shoulder. "Joker – let's get these kids to the Citadel."

* * *

><p>The messages usually came in the odd hours of the night, staggered day by day. It was only in the privacy of her quarters that Shepard read them. Another was waiting for her when she woke from the choke of her dreams, clammy and rattled.<p>

…_We spoke once of our childhoods, how both were changed in ways beyond our control at the time – and the events that shaped the tools we became. Much like myself, I could often hear the disconnect in your voice as you recounted what happened to your family on Mindoir. It brought us together, despite the differences. I lost my innocence to duty, and you lost your entire world to the cruelty and greed of faceless strangers._

_ I told you how I wept when I was left in the care of the hanar. I had been taught the Compact, but I did not understand it. I cried more than just then – there were many nights that I hide in my quarters and looked into the bleak night and rain. It was acceptable then, to cry so freely at the loss, to feel that nothing would ever change, and that I was trapped in an existence that others had chosen for me. To feel isolated and choke on my solitude._

_ Siha, you must choose your times to be strong, but more importantly, you must choose when to be weak – and let it be for yourself. Thinking on my past, and on your words – that losing your family made you choose this life – reminded me of the liberation that anguish can give. In acknowledging the pain, in letting the soul be free of the sorrow, we might cleanse our minds, our core, and persevere through even the most difficult of times. We never need be ashamed of our tears, for they cleanse the soul, steeped in these trials and sadness – they let our soul be rid of it, even if only for a time. _

_ It is a lesson I have learned too late in my life, when I have no need for them anymore. I find strength in the memory of your touch, your voice, and in the simple inflections you most likely have no knowledge of making. But I remember them. They are my waking dreams, and chase away the hard edge of war. _

_ Your crewman began physiotherapy today. I have not spoke to her, but know she is safe and making progress. _

_ You are ever in my thoughts._

_~ Thane_

* * *

><p>"If we lay low, we can rest in shifts," Shepard said, huddled in a half-buried shell of a wide stone building. She marked three spots on the haptic map display. "Three on watch, able to call if trouble they can't handle rises. This is defensible."<p>

A tired breath shuddered in Lieutenant Tarquin Victus' throat. "Right."

"You and your men need rest," Shepard said, and grabbed his shoulder. "There's no shame in that. We'll take a few hours, we've got adrenals after that to get to the evac."

"You don't have to do this, Commander. It's not your mission."

"It is now. We'll pull back to re-evaluate, but we'll get it done."

They had been down for barely an hour when Vega's voice raised over the comm. "Commander!"

His next words were drowned out by the screech of incoming shock troops. The fiery balls streaked out of the sky to light up the night, and the ruins shook with their impact.

"350 metres east, tops," Vega said when Shepard and Tarquin hurried to his side.

"Lieutenant?" Shepard said, her gun already at the ready.

"Let's move! Prath and Dralan, we've got you covered to advance. NavPoint – check!"

"Garrus, take the flank and don't let any get to those soldiers. We know they'll be moving slow."

"I'll follow and keep you clean," Garrus murmured from afar, and the hobbled platoon sprang to life. Shepard led the vanguard of turians into the ruins, streaks of biotic blue in her wake as she smashed into cannibals and marauders alike. The distorted, possessed screams of the creatures echoed off the rocks, cutting through the continuous gunfire and shockwave bursts.

They crawled across the landscape, seeking from cover to cover, and leaving the rent bodies of the husks in their wake. Shepard's amp was feverish with heat at the base of her skull when the landing zone came into sight.

"Cortez, come in – do you read me?" Shepard motioned nearby to a collapsed power structure, and her team led the turians into the relative safety of its shadow.

"Five minutes out Commander, good to hear you," the pilot replied.

"Copy that." Shepard collapsed her gun and tacked it to her back, flexing her hands as she ran a patrol around the perimeter of the exposed location. Vega took to her side.

"Do you think they know we're here?"

"The Reapers?" Shepard asked, and looked across the field. She grabbed her rifle and sighted through the ruins. "I don't know. Their movements are erratic. We haven't seen a harvester since we met up with the turians. They're too few to be the main invasion force. Scouts, I imagine. But who really knows."

The fact that she felt blind in any of their fights went unsaid. The Reapers were unconventional – there was no cause to stop them, no conventional tactics. They sought annihilation of their enemy not conquest.

A rumble ran through the ruins and sent dust up from the ground. Shepard took to pacing again, despite the deep ache in her limbs. In the distance there were flashes of light in the sky, fireball packets of troops hitting into the ruins. They were beyond their reach. The rush of engines preceded the blip of the blue Kodiak, a dab of saturation against Tuchanka's washed-out, dismal sky.

Shepard and Garrus held ground as the turians packed into the confined quarters of the Kodiak. She wormed her way in when the last was on, and found a place by Tarquin in the cockpit as she plucked off her helmet.

"I can't thank you enough for helping us, Commander."

"Not done yet," she replied, and tapped Cortez on the shoulder. She reached up for a hand hold as the shuttle took off, and looked down at the turian. "I hope you'd see it as a sign of trust. The Primarch wouldn't give me details."

"It's a bomb," he replied, still obviously rattled. He didn't look at her as he spoke. "And Cerberus has taken control of it."

"A bomb? What kind of scale are we talking about?"

"Planet-scale."

Cortez cast them a cursory glance, as his hands flew over the controls. He knew enough to keep quiet.

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "And just how did it get there?"

* * *

><p>"You have to admit, it's elegant in its brutality," Garrus said. "Effective."<p>

Shepard lifted her hand to quiet him as they stood in the hold with the remains of Tarquin's platoon crowded around them. She was staring at the Primarch. "I could really care less about that right now. Your people put a bomb on their planet."

"You see why I couldn't provide any details."

Shepard huffed and put her hands on her hips.

Tarquin activated the console, and it pulled up a haptic display of the sector on the planet. "We don't have much time. Our intel said Cerberus was trying to activate it. They've been digging it up."

Shepard stabbed on the map, and a point appeared. Her hands moved to manipulate the display and form their strategy. "Lieutenant Tarquin, take the other shuttle and lead your platoon on this approach. Get as close as you can. Scans show that the material the buildings are made of should hide your incursion. We need you on recon, get us any information."

He nodded.

"I'll take a team here, to meet up with you and provide support. We'll also serve as a back-up to disarm the bomb should you fail." Shepard tilted her head, eyes moving with thought. They were all covered in grime and blood. "And here. Vega, you'll lead the third team to stir the shit as much as possible and draw Cerberus away from our location. Think you can handle that?"

"Yes, ma'am."

The elevator blipped, and they all turned as the doors opened and Wrex stomped out. The turians moved closer together.

"I should have expected this, but I didn't."

"Expected what?" Shepard asked.

Wrex' hand tightened into a fist as his head swung between those present, lingering on the Primarch and his son before staring Shepard down. "You and the turians to stab me in the back. Tell me this isn't how it looks, Shepard. Tell me what I'm looking at!

Garrus took a step forward, raising a hand. "Wrex it-"

"I respect you," Wrex huffed at the scarred turian. "But right now, anything you have to say doesn't mean a thing."

Shepard glanced to the Primarch before stepping forward, her arms still crossed. "We're disarming a bomb on Tuchanka."

Wrex narrowed his eyes at her. "Don't treat me like an idiot, Shepard. I was shooting varren before your ancestors dragged themselves out of the dark ages."

"A bomb that could destroy the whole planet," Primarch Victus interjected. "It was put there centuries ago. By my people."

"And that's it. You're coming to save us again? Or will this just be the last insult?"

"I'm trying to help," the Primarch Victus stiffly replied. "When I came to power and learned the details, I acted. I'd heard rumours of it through my years in the military – but when I became Primarch, I saw what we'd done. What it would do."

Shepard closed her eyes. "We're strategizing to disarm it, because right now, Cerberus has control of the damned thing and is bent on setting it off."

"I don't have much reason to believe you," Wrex growled. "You turians have been crippling my people for as long as I've been alive."

"I know. But you know the value of kin – of offspring," the Primarch replied. He pointed at Tarquin. "That's my son. And I sent his team to disarm it, because he's the only one I trusted with the job."

"Then why are you here?"

Tarquin answered, and glanced askance. "Cerberus took us down. We would have been lost in the ruins if the Commander hadn't fought her way in to extract us."

"And now we'll finish the job." Shepard stepped up next to Wrex meet his unflinching gaze. "Is it always going to come back to this, Wrex? Do you really think I'm planning on killing you or the krogans, and have just been biding my time?"

"I don't know what to think," he rumbled, his hard gaze upon her.

Shepard nodded her chin to him. "Then trust me. You trusted me then. I'm ending the genophage for you – YOU – not any other krogan. So you better damned well let me go down there on your planet and disarm that bomb. Unless you're so keen on splattering me across the cargo hold?"

Wrex huffed and bared his teeth, still meeting her gaze. "You're a hard woman not to like, Shepard."

"You think I don't know that?" Shepard smirked.

Vega cleared his throat from where he stood at a distance, leaning on the nearby console. "You know, we could always use another gun in the diversion team."

Shepard glanced his way. "I don't think tha-"

Wrex smacked her aside and strode up to Vega, sniffing the marine in as he sized him up. He chuckled. "Just stay out of my way, boy, and you won't get hurt."


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard touched Thane's shoulder, and leant to kiss him despite the throng of people around them. "It's good to see you."

He smiled and took her hand in his. "Likewise."

The refugees around them each existed in a cluster of their own little world, clutching hands and lending strength as the news reels rolled. They played continuously, bringing dire news from every system.

"It's been rough," she said, and briefly glanced back at Cortez by the memorial wall. Her head dipped down as they headed through security towards the elevator. "But we're holding strong. Mordin says he's almost got the cure ready for synthesis. He's gathering a few more supplies to aide replication and something - I don't really understand his jargon."

"Not many do," Thane said with a chuckle, and had to clear his throat. "Then you go to Tuchanka to deploy it?"

"Somehow," she said, and exhaled heavily when they were in the elevator. She leant into him, and their foreheads touched. "But we've one or two deep space missions. We're just waiting on an evac transport to head out to Benning. And from there..." She pulled away, pacing. "The Attican Traverse. I can't say what we're doing."

"I may not be military, but I understand the necessity for secrecy." Thane's eyes followed her. "This is hardly a secure location."

"Is anywhere?" Shepard asked under her breath.

Thane chuckled despite the creases in her expression. "No. But the illusion of it made life easier."

Shepard's expression eased as she looked back at him. The bright, wide spaces of the presidium disappeared as they dipped into a transport hub. "So where are we going?"

Thane stood up and reached for her hand as the doors opened. "Nowhere special. I realize your time is limited."

"Don't remind me," she murmured, and followed him into a taxi car. They were soon whisked through the sky towards one of the wards. She slumped in the seat, and her head rolled his way as she spoke, "Or just going to fly us around? I can get out of this uniform pretty quickly."

Smiling as he draped an arm over the seat, Thane leant to kiss her. "I thought you might appreciate a good meal, more than just my company."

"I'd like both," she quietly, and turned her cheek as he kissed my neck.

"I.."

"What is it?"

_There is the crack of bone and a flash of pain, lancing up his chest. He stumbles, a wash of dizziness through him. Recovery is quick - before the target. In an instance their head is in hand, a quick jerk rendering limbs limp. Life goes on beyond the shadow, but each breath comes shallow. Escape. The body falls off the ledge._

Lips against her cheek, Thane reached for her hand as another wash of vertigo unsteadied him in his seat. He swallowed the pain. "Not today. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Shepard said, and squeezed his hand. Her voice softened, and looked down between them. "I'm just happy to see you."

"You might be surprised to know Jack contacted me."

"Really?" She almost laughed.

"Mm. We met briefly. She has... grown up a great deal."

"That's a good way to put it."

"It is clear her position aiding other biotics - children she could have been - is benefiting her greatly."

"I thought the same thing."

"Here," Thane said, as the sky car sunk down beneath the buildings into a brightly lit ledge. He led the way out of the car, and soon they were in a restaurant. From their booth the stars of the nebula could be seen through the barriers that protected the wards. "I have read more than once of the value humans place on a good meal. I hoped it would take your thoughts away from your task."

"Don't drell appreciate good food?"

Thane offered a small grin. "Yes. But I might remember it at any time - the sweet tang on my tongue, a combination or bouquet and the sensations elicited."

"Always so useful," Shepard said, and closed her omni-tool as it blipped.

"Something important?"

She reached for his hand, watching him instead of the view. "Not more than this."

* * *

><p>The warnings on Shepard's suit bleated insistently, but went ignored as she raised her pistol to peg the Cerberus soldier across the square. Her hip butted one of the transport crates littering the square, and she shot again to keep the troopers away from the clutch of civilians hidden in the house behind her.<p>

There was something comforting about the routine of combat.

"Commander, we've got a visual of another pocket of them," Vega huffed over the comm. "On your three."

Shepard's eyes snapped and she saw the brief flash of white and yellow armour through the buildings. Hand in a fist, a snap of biotic fire burst down her arm and punched its way across the alley. The ground shook, and when the wave had passed through the wall, there was the crunch of hardsuit and sinew. The cry of a child in the building behind them cut through the fighting, and locked her jaw.

The disconnect of combat. There was only the fight. It made it alright for them to die.

She was across the battlefield in a blue blur, her shotgun punching a hole through the man as he staggered. Another step and her omni-blade ended him, when there was the clatter of a grenade, forcing her into cover. Breathing heavily, Shepard looked back to the position that Liara held, a barrier shimmering to protect the civilians. Ducking around a kitchen counter, Shepard sprinted to another position and unclipped her pistol. Leaning out of cover, she shot another Cerberus troop, and moved onto another without hesitation.

* * *

><p>"Ohh I think I could have lived happily thinking these damned things were extinct," Garrus grumbled as they paused in cover, panting heavily. A punch of blue light filled the rocky tunnel as Shepard sent a pulse of biotic energy towards their pursuers. The scream of the warped rachnai followed them.<p>

"Move – keep moving!" Shepard ordered, kept on their heels as Garrus and Javik began to run.

"Yet you let her go," Garrus huffed. "Again."

Their gunfire filled the confined chasm, before they dove into cover again, slapping heat sinks in before taking another rush. The coupled power of Javik and Shepard's biotics blasted through the swarm on their heels, sending fluids and carapace flying.

"Don't you humans say something about that? Fool me once, shame on –"

"Not now, Garrus," Shepard grumbled as they emerged into the light. She hesitated as they bolted towards the shuttle, looking back into the caverns – she could still hear Grunt's battle fuelled cry. But they were fading.

They'd come here to save them and they'd be leaving with nothing. They couldn't even do their damned job, and now the Reapers had more for their fight – they had something the galaxy knew well to fear.

"He dies fighting," Javik's voice cut into her thoughts. "One for the many. As it should be."

"It isn't that easy."

"Easy would be burning out the tunnels," he replied as she turned and caught up with them. The Kodiak kicked up a billow of sand and dust as it came down. "It would be right – to destroy this whole place to prevent their spread. That is what matters."

"We don't have the firepow-"

"Commander!"

"Get on the damned shuttle," Shepard hissed, but Garrus hit her arm and they looked.

Grunt staggered out of the tunnels.

* * *

><p>Mordin's words still echoed in her head as Shepard mulled around the mess. The team had spent hours planning and debating the mission to the Shroud – a mission to cure the genophage. A few hours of restless sleep was all she'd been able to get – they deployed at dawn. Well, dawn at the landing site. Not that dawn had any sort of Grieg underscore on Tuchanka.<p>

Everything hung on the success of this mission. On one woman – no, not her. On Eve. The insightful, veiled krogan she had come to know. The mother of Tuchanka had found her in the mess more than once in the wee hours, escaping Mordin's watchful eye in the lab to sit with the Commander.

_"I know that the plight of my people is the last thing on your mind."_

_ "Hardly," Shepard chuckled. "I'd say it's pretty close to the front."_

_ "You are a diplomat as much as a soldier. Earth is lucky to have you fighting for them in every arena that you do. But you act for us to save your own."_

_ "Do you still think that?"_

_ "I don't doubt that you would like to see us cured – that you want us to have it. To be free in the sense that you are all free, to determine our own course in a way that we have been denied for centuries. But the weight of the war is written in the lines around your eyes, in how you brace your shoulders and hold your posture."  
>"Am I so transparent?"<br>"No," Eve chuckled, and shifted her weight. "But most aboard this ship have not been through what you have – not in the same sense."_

_ Shepard ground her hands together. "It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I have trouble even imagining an end to all this."_

_ "That is truer than you know - for both of our situations, I imagine."_

"I should have expected to find you here."

Shepard jerked slightly before slumping back against the counter as she looked at Vega. "Oh?"

"Being biotic and all, I heard you need to eat like three times the calories? I know how hungry a mission makes me, I can't even imagine."

Shepard smirked as he drifted to rifle through the stock and snag something. "What's your excuse then?"  
>"Just anxious to get this done with. Maybe then we can start getting back to what's important – it's like everyone has forgotten that we're in the middle of an invasion. Oh that? We'll worry about it later."<p>

"Maybe not the turians, but the krogans? They haven't seen it. It's easier to keep it at arm's length."

"Maybe it's moving as fast for us as it is for them."

"I can scarce believe it most days." Shepard put her hands on the edge of the counter, leaning back to cross her ankles. "How long as it been since we left Earth?"

"Few weeks. Maybe a bit more."

Exhaling roughly, Shepard looked across the mess. "And now we're going to cure the genophage."

"Yeah." He pointed at her with a spoon. "Pull this one off, and you might have me convinced you're some sort of hero."

"I'm no hero," she muttered under her breath.

* * *

><p>Shepard threw her shoulder into the stone, and the husk flew awkwardly by her. She huffed and her biotics flared before she punched the creature with a satisfying crunch. A shotgun blast followed it and fluids spattered the worn stone. Bullets whizzed by to peg the other husks around her, before a shockwave of biotic bursts blossomed from her fist and threw them aside. It was then the Reaper's klaxxon shook the skies.<p>

"It's better if you don't think about it," Shepard muttered as Liara and Garrus sank into cover alongside them. The ground shook with every step the massive synthetic took, kicking up dust with each thud.

"It's a little hard not to," Liara replied.

"Just think of the story it'll make!" Garrus said, and chuckled when Shepard's head whipped his way. A screech of fire through the air was followed by another, as the cannibals and ravagers added their call to the already chilling sounds in the air.

"GO!" Shepard ordered, and in a breath they were out of cover, guns blazing once more. Wrex's voice was on the comm, lost in the onslaught of sound as biotics blew through and spattered guts across the ancient stone. They advanced through the ruins, leaving a bloody mess in their wake, before finally sinking into the shade of a half-crumpled edifice.

"Just reach the hammers, Commander." Eve's voice was there as they caught their breath. "Kalros will take care of the rest."

"You heard the lady," Shepard sighed, and they were back on their feet, sprinting for the other side of the structure - the Reaper's call followed them and a red beam sliced across their path. The stone bridge underfoot crumpled and took them down with it, leaving them scrambling as the air was obscured by dust and debris.

"Did - did a Reaper just shoot at us?" Garrus sputtered as he leant in the shadows beside her.

"Get used to it," Shepard huffed in reply, before advancing them forward, slinking along the wall. The klaxxon rang again, and she briefly closed her eyes as it stirred her gut. The last vision of Earth silhouetted against her battle mantra, and she gripped her shotgun tighter. Just then, the comm rang with the turian pilots and they answered the Reaper with the shriek of engines and canon fire. The ground shook again as the Reaper pivoted, a leg coming down through rock and rebar as it sought new prey.

"Move!"

They flew up a wide set of stairs, stamping hard to duck between cover and advance as the Reaper swung, its red beam cutting across the polluted sky and narrowly missing the Shroud. It moved again, a leg crashing through the concrete and sending another tremor through the fore-structure.

"Are we really doing this?" Liara said, her brow furrowed and expression tight with stress.

"I told you not to think about it."

"I don't have to think about it, Shepard - I'm seeing it! It's right there, trying to crush us. I don't like being a bug underfoot!"

Shepard shook her head, and they ran forward to the next set of cover at her command. The ground heaved, klaxxon blaring before the beam followed and sliced a black chasm across their path. A leg soon followed, before the air lit with fire and a scream more brutal. The air was thick with dust, and Shepard tried to catch her breath - when the rumble of heavy steps broke through the Reaper screeching. Without time to think, they scattered as a brute smashed through the stone where they had been hiding.

"Shepard, there!" Garrus called, and she scrambled to her feet to look. "The hammers!"

The world blurred into the stabbing quakes of the Reaper feet seeking her, stone chips battering her hardsuit as she tried to run. The ground rumbled continuously, and anything they said over the comm was lost in it. Shepard dove into cover and caught her breath, before turning to unleash a whiplash of biotic power at the brute on her heels. With a quick flick, the first hammer pounded into motion, adding to the tremors shaking them.

As she stumbled behind a stone block, the brute followed her - but so did the gunfire from her comrades. A flick of her shotgun unloaded a faceful of high velocity rounds at the beast, and it staggered, giving Shepard enough time to dash forward across the ruins. Another hit of the hammer shook them, and almost knocked her off her feet. Numb from the vibrations, its sister joined soon joined in, and Shepard fell back to finish off the brute.

Through the dust, they saw the Reaper cut a fighter in half, sending the fiery debris raining down upon them. The thrum of the hammers stuttered their every step as they retreated into cover, panting and cowering as a second screech filled the air. Shepard grabbed onto Garrus and Liara, and bunkered down as more rock cracked overhead. The roar that accompanied the shadow was nothing compared to the sight of the thresher maw vaulting into the Reaper, renting metal and shearing together. The red beam sliced across the rock, scouring black, and a synthetic growl hummed through the stone.

"Shepard -"

She was on her feet as the maw twisted, and the behemoth pair crashed into the Shroud, disrupting the green spew issuing forth from its towering peak.

"Stay down!" she ordered, falling back into them, shielding them with her arms as she watched Kalros back off. There were explosions mingling with the grind of rock and metal, up the ascent of the Shroud. No - no was all she could think, all she could feel as the fear of what was needed gripped in her heart. "I have to get to the Shroud! Get back to the trucks!"

Shepard took off across the rock.

"I don't think so," Garrus shouted, and grabbed Liara's arm to follow in her steps. The ground heaved again and knocked them all to their knees as Kalros launched into the air and side-swiped the Reaper.

Shepard staggered and gaped as the pair tangled overhead, and ant underfoot as the machinated death throes echoed through them, and the wyrm contorted, contracted, and crushed. Garrus gave her a push and they started to run again.

"Mordin," Shepard yelled on the comm, stumbling once more as the world shuddered and kicked up dust. A red swath cut across the sky, and an impact out of sight sent a quake through the ruins. "Mordin, come in - the Reaper is down."

A distant rumble underlay an eerie quiet as they sprinted towards the Shroud. There were fires along its peak - almost out of sight, where it reached into the atmosphere.

"Mordin, come in." Garrus flipped through the comm channels. "Damn it."

"Tell me what I need to do, professor, let's get this done before that Reaper recovers." Shepard slowed as they passed under an archway and into an open atrium within the facility. Panting heavily, she grimaced and released a medigel into her weaves. "Mordin?"

"Impressive, Commander," came his reply, and he appeared from an adjacent doorway. He immediately took to one of the consoles nearby. "Anticipated results, but still impressed."

"We have to get this done, the Shroud's about to come down on us. Please tell me it's ready."

"Yes, loaded for dispersal in two minutes," Mordin said as she approached. He didn't look up. "Procedure traumatic for Eve, not lethal. Maelon's research invaluable."

"She's okay," Shepard said in a sigh.

"Headed to safety. Good match for Urdnot Wrex, should stabilize government." Overhead, a crack in the veneer of the Shroud deepened and seeped with fire, exploding and sending a hail of rubble on them. Their barrier's flickered, and a chunk of the façade crashed down between them. "Control room at top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up."

"You're going up there?"

"Yes. Must counteract STG sabotage – ensure cure disperse properly."

"Professor, this whole place is coming apart!" Garrus interjected.

"There's got to be another way!" Shepard said.

"Remote access impossible, STG countermeasures in place. Must adjust for temperature variance." Mordin spun away from Shepard and left the console. He paused and continued towards the elevator. "No. No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear, explosions likely to be… problematic."

"Mordin – no!" Shepard called, and hurried after him. Liara grabbed her arm when another explosion overhead showered down on them.

He stopped in the elevator. "Shepard – please. Need to do this. My work. My project. My cure. My responsibility." Mordin closed his eyes and inhaled. "Would have liked to run tests on seashells."

A breath rattled in Shepard's helmet. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Shepard stood as the doors closed, and lifted a hand as the elevator jerked into motion and began its ascent. It rode higher amidst the smoke and fires, her eyes following it as more debris fell on them.

"Shepard," Garrus said and put a hand on her shoulder. "We have to get out of here."

The elevator was still climbing, seeming to pull a knot tight in her throat, constricting her chest. She stumbled as another explosion jarred them, and it seemed to rouse her.

"Let's go," she whispered, back-pedalling as she watched it, before finally jerking away to jog with them.


	8. Chapter 8

It was a peculiar. Each breath was deep and slow to fill his chest, as he sat in meditation. Yet now and again, Thane cleared his throat, and gupped air to try and pull more in vain. He breathed deep despite it, forcing more air in the rare moments of balance. He had grown accustomed to the momentary panic at his failing coordination.

Like so many things, it was something he had taken for granted.

_They ran the course every morning, under the watchful eye of their mentors. A quick breath, deep, as he vaulted up into the confined space. Completion granted a sweet with breakfast, while improvement allowed leisure time. The pads of his feet are silent down the tunnel – equally so in the leap. A swing, and he is running again._

The hanar who raised him had not been unkind. Thane blinked lengthily, measuring the seconds between his deep, meditative breaths.

_"Oh, you think you can beat me?" Her lips quirk in mischief, the smile in her eyes. She tucks back her hair. It draws him in. Distracting lips to lips. Her gun charges, and she activates the targets. _

"Hey, it's good to see you."

Thane opened his eyes, smiling thinly as Ashley Williams sat down nearby. "And you, Ms. Williams."

"Did you hear? This should be my last class."

"I did. Congratulations."

Ashley's expression shifted. "Sorry – I, that was so callow of me."

"Not at all," Thane said and inclined his head. "I have worked through my demons, and am at peace with my life."

"More than I could ever be," she replied, and began to stretch. "Have you heard from the Commander?"

"A few days ago," he replied, and closed his eyes once more. Shepard's was there, the taste of skin and the timbre of her laughter. "They are curing the genophage."

"Hard to believe. But if anyone can do it, she can," Ashley said. She leaned down and reached for her leg, grimacing as she moved. "Word is they've already done it. I saw a krogan by the lake yesterday, he couldn't shut up about it."

"Oh? Then perhaps I will hear from her soon." he said, and smiled despite himself. An ache rose up his limbs and a wave of dizziness followed. Thane hung his head and put a hand on the mat beneath them, wheezing in a breath.

"Hey, hey – need me to call Dr. Michel?"

Thane shook his head, huffing and struggling out a cough as he reined it in and took a set of deep breaths. In and out, deep and slow – he could still hear the lilt of the doctor's voice. "It will pass."

_ The rain is heavy, even for Kahje; it leaves the lungs thick, each breath laboured. But sunshine finds its place in his childish smiles. He reaches for a hand, to pull him, waddling to where he plays. "Father."_

"Alright…" Ashley watched him skeptically as she stood up, arms over her head and a deep breath in her lungs. "And I thought I was late – where do you think the therapist is?"

An unnatural pillar of smoke rose across the lake. Thane took to his feet and strode to the wide panel of windows. His gaze darted to the Presidium sky, whose blue-clouded expanse was oddly absent of cars. There – another point of smoke, rising from the layered levels of white.

"What – is that smoke?"

Thane pulled up his omni-tool, and with a quick flick of his wrist had a map. His brow furrowed. "The C-Sec outreach."

In another beat, the system network flat-lined and left the haptic display he'd accessed blank. Ashley moved to the access panel by the door. Other patients nearby were beginning to take notice and flocked to the windows.

"Damn it!" She hit the panel, and turned to him. "Communications are dead. We're blind."

"Then let's get somewhere we can see."

Approaching the door, the green lock pulsed and didn't open. Thane pulled up his omni-tool as a pair of patients approached.

"What's going on?"

"Keep calm and remain here," Ashley replied. "I'm a Council Spectre. You'll be safe here, I promise."

"Here," Thane said as his omni-tool found a hack, and the door partially opened. They snuck through the narrow space and into the atrium that connected the wing to the rest of the hospital. The sound of gunfire echoed down the corridor, and they both instinctively dropped.

"Agh, reaching for a gun that isn't there," Ashley murmured. "I knew I should have checked out."

"There," Thane said, leant against a planter. A cluster of soldiers was at the main entrance, a nurse dead at their feet. He edged back to lock the door to the therapy room.

"Cerberus! What the hell are they doing here?"

"I think it's safe to assume station communications being down are their responsibility. Follow me." Thane motioned nearby, and they crept into a secondary room. Ashley began to pace as she looked out the window.

"They're coming after me. It wasn't enough that they almost killed me!"

"We all have our enemies," Thane replied, and pushed a gurney against the wall. He pointed out the window as he climbed up. There was more smoke now. He popped a panel off the wall to reveal a maintenance crawlspace leading between buildings. "The hospital is not their only target."

Ashley did a double take from the window, before glancing into the atrium and climbing up the gurney and into the passage after him. "How did you know this was here?"

"It is a… habit of mine," Thane whispered. Soon enough they were out of the hospital, crawling on hand and knee along a sterile walkway past a keeper. The muted sounds of conversation and gunfire reached them through the walls.

"If they're everywhere, I have to get to the Council," Ashley said as they dropped down to a secondary shaft. "They-" She fell silent when she saw Thane put a hand to his mouth.

"They weren't there, sir."

"Then we find them!" came the reply through the floor. There was the sound of a charging gun. The soldier raised his voice. "The drell, the Alliance soldier - where are they?"

A quiet murmur came in reply.

Thane shook his head at Ashley, and propped a hand against the wall as he bent across the maintenance walkway and silently popped the bolts out of the wall panel. The sound of sobbing grew louder.

"They should have been here! Please - please, I don't know! I've told you everything I can!"

"Follow closely," Thane whispered, before leaning on the handrail and kicking the panel out with both legs. The metal clanked as it flew forward into two of the soldiers, knocking them to the ground. There were four Cerberus soldiers, evenly spread - full hard-suits, armed, the hostages just beyond their reach.

With scarce a breath, Thane snagged the closest man, and gave a jerk to leave the soldier limp. Clutching the dead weight in front of him, he stole the man's pistol, and shot the third as Ashley rolled out to pin one of the soldiers before they could stand. The barriers flickered on the body that Thane held as one of the soldiers fired and tried to back-pedal, but he answered with a point-blank shot that spat a haze of blood into the air. Two of the hostages on the ground screamed and scrambled away as Ashley wrestled a gun free and shot one of the men on the ground - only to be clocked by the last man alive as he recovered. Dropping the body, Thane grunted and kneed the man in the back, before pinning him down and jerking his neck at an unnatural angle.

"Grab the clips," Thane said to Ashley, before he looked at the nurses huddling against the wall. He knew them - the woman, Philippa, had a daughter that she had brought to the hospital more than once. A daughter with grey eyes. "I apologize, Ms. Ward. Stay here and bar the doors behind us with the table – with everything you can."

The nurse nodded without speaking, her face a sheet.

Thane's head snapped as the sound of muted gunfire and screams reached them. Ashley did a sweep of the conference room before leading the way out the door, and they pulled it shut behind them.

"There!"

Pistol raised, Thane turned on the soldiers at the back end of the hospital corridor. A quick shot left them scrambling for cover, but a biotic field followed and threw the soldiers against the wall. Their gunfire followed to leave the bodies limp and suspended in the air. He huffed for breath, unable to keep down a cough as they ran out through the doors.

"I haven't been able to raise C-sec or any of the other Spectres."

"Understandably," Thane replied as she ran towards an elevator. "No - they will expect us there. This way." He led the way down a narrow path between buildings, before vaulting up to a secondary set of maintenance tunnels. He helped Ashley up, before closing his eyes and wheezing. "We'll find a car."

"Williams to Councillor Tevos. Come in, ma'am." Ashley paced as she cycled through the encrypted comm channels. Her expression cleared and she almost laughed. "Yes. I'm fit for duty, what is your status? ... I'll intercept your path and escort you to one of the other safe rooms. Valern? No... Yes ma'm."

Thane grabbed her arm as she made to jump down from their location. "It isn't safe."

"I didn't choose to be a soldier because it's safe," she replied, and nodded to him. "Get to cover and stay down. I need to go assist the council."

"I'll cover your retreat and provide a distraction. More soldiers are coming."

Down and out across a balcony, they could hear the tink of grenades on their path as they ran. Thane huffed and sunk down, closing his eyes as a wash of dizziness swept through him. There was a memory begging for attention, threatening distraction. He swallowed it down, and looked at Ashley as her steps stuttered. "Keep going! I will ensure they do not follow."

"I owe you one!"

An orb of biotic energy flew from his fist to knock a pair of the soldiers aside as Ashley made her escape. Swallowing the nausea, Thane popped up and fired the rifle across the square, running in another direction as she disappeared into a commandeered sky-car. He groaned and vaulted up to the second balcony, hiding behind a shop kiosk. Another biotic burst popped in his wake. The Cerberus soldiers were shouting, and the gunfire followed him.

* * *

><p>Joker looked at her and lifted his hands in defeat, before cycling through to try another channel. "I'm not getting anything. Did we not get an invitation or something? Always the last to know. Wait -"<p>

Shepard crossed her arms and frowned as he exchanged short pleasantries.

"It's Thane, patching him through."

"Siha, your timing is impeccable."

"Isn't it always? What's going on? It worries me when you use emergency channels."

"Cerberus commandos have infiltrated the Citadel – I narrowly escaped them at the hospital. I've been bunkered down in a presidium shop storefront for more than two hours. Ashely Williams – we got separated. She went to protect the council."

"Are you alright?"

"Yes," he huffed over the comm. "I've been trying to work my way towards C-sec. I ran into two officers – it's been compromised."

"Don't do anything rash. We'll head for their vehicle docks."

"Excellent." There was the sound of gunfire. "I will aim to meet you there."

When the line cut, Shepard called up another channel and hailed the ship. "Cortez, prep the shuttle. Garrus, James – met me in the hold. We deploy in ten minutes. Cerberus is attacking the Citadel."

* * *

><p>Her location blipped on his omni-tool, and spurred his steps. There were dead bodies everywhere, blood and gunfire littering the corridors of the station. But not hers – she was moving. Spinning out onto a ledge, Thane leapt and ducked against a wall, closing his eyes to let the vertigo pass. He could hear the gunfire.<p>

_The gunfire concealed his movements – concealed his purpose. Three shots would disable his targets – disable, but not kill. A cold fire hardened in his gut. The smell of blood is in everything._

Thane grunted and moved again, advancing in a silent run across the docking platform. The station had grown silent, and the little blip that Shepard was no longer moved. Rounding in front of a wide glass atrium, he sunk into the nearest shadow as the air shattered – glass. He peered across the atrium, and saw the salarian councillor, backed by an unknown man with a posture he recognized. An assassin.

Shepard landed nearby with a thump, her pistol raised. The words echoed across the space, undecipherable at a distance. On light feet, he scaled one of the atrium supports, staying crouched low. Garrus – and another he didn't recognize. The assassin ebbed with the glow of biotic power, and Thane pushed to make it the last few feet, grabbing his gun and dropping down behind him without a sound.

Thane's pistol charged and tension rose up the back of neck as the shot went off – and his hand flew aside. The reactions came without thought; a punch deflected, his head ringing as a shot caught his temple, even as his arms flowed into the smack and thwack of hand-to-hand.

The councillor was out of harm's way, and Shepard's eyes were upon him.

The distraction left Thane unguarded, and the man flipped him to the ground. In the next beat, he was on his feet and firing – at the man who wasn't there. Thane's head whipped to scan the points – he could see them, where he would go, the advantages he would use. More specifically, he focused on nothing at all to catch the telltale flicker of a cloak in his periphery.

There.

Thane fired as the man drew a sword and flipped across a desk, sending the office equipment scattering as he evaded the shots. Speed, agility - evenly matched to almost inspire admiration. Synthetic potential. The trigger clicked in his grasp as the heat sink bled dry. The assassin charged, and Thane sunk back on the balls of his feet, deflecting the blade with the muzzle of his pistol before ducking to deliver a swift kick to the assassin's gut.

His lungs burned.

Thane grimaced as he focused his biotic energy and sent the man flying across the room. The vertigo returned, a haziness at the edge of his vision as he stooped to retrieve his fallen pistol and discharge the sink – the man was already on his feet. Brazen, over-confident, this necessitated close-quarters and a subtle touch – it needed to end before his breath left him.

Thane punched the gun across the man's face. The gun had fired. The man wasn't moving – but neither was he. The space in his lungs had grown shallow – he had gone too far. Too much. Time doesn't stop. The comfort of his memories shrunk away as Kai Leng pulled out the blade, and he crumpled.

"Thane!"

Her voice was a soft hush, reminiscent of a more intimate moment. Her lips against his skin. But the gunfire drowned it out, as surely as he felt the waters rising. The footsteps sounded as though in a glass bubble. Thane struggled up, pulling out of the siren's grasp to stagger and follow where his siha had run. Firing in vain, firing as the world was blurring – but her face, it was there, coming into focus as he slid down the wall.

"Thane…" Shepard knelt beside him. "How bad is it?"

The tremor in her voice – the fear in her that he had never known. She could not know.

His voice sounded distant to him. "I have time. Catch him."

Shepard touched his face and kissed his forehead, before running to join the others in the squad car, zipping away after his killer. Her face, her distress, it was evaporating from his sight, the fog of his thoughts and broken memories pulling him deep. The sound of waves and the rain on glass. So many unheeded voices, unneeded words.

But he had saved her. He had saved them.

A shallow breath rattled from his chest as the world went dark.


	9. Chapter 9

"Ash – you know me," Shepard said, as she relinquished her gun. "Please. Trust me."

"Damn it," Ashley said under her breath, closing her eyes before turning and saying, "You better not make me regret this."

"What are you doing – she has been working with them all along!" Councillor Udina back pedalled towards the sky-car terminal. "We're getting out of here!"

"Councillor, there –" Udina knocked the asari to the ground and reached for his gun.

Before he could grab it, Shepard's shot replied.

It was all because of him. The coup, the assassin, the blade through Thane's gut.

Shepard's expression hardened as she advanced to kick away Udina's gun, despite his obvious immobility. Ashley helped the asari councillor up, when the far doors sparked with light.

"Someone's trying to get through," Garrus said, and trained their guns on the space.

They were about to fire when the door burst open, and Bailey emerged with an officer on his heels. They all dropped their pistols, and Shepard approached.

"Bailey? Where did the soldiers go?"

"That assassin of yours high-tailed it as soon as he saw we were coming," he replied with a grin.

"He escaped?" The numbness bled through Shepard's limbs as Bailey spoke, reassuring the council of her intentions and success - and of another assassin who had saved them. It became a quiet rage in her blood, tingling to her fingertips.

"We got that drell friend of yours to the hospital. They took him into surgery - I thought you might want to see him."

"Thank you," Shepard replied, the only words she could force out.

Garrus tagged her arm. "Go - I'll take care of this." He nodded as Shepard glanced at him and disappeared. "James - go with Williams and Commander Bailey, see to the council's safety."

Though he arched his brow, James nodded and said, "You got it."

Snagging the nearest sky cab, Shepard whizzed across the presidium towards Huerta Memorial, aware on some level of the fighting still going on below. A niggling in the back of her thoughts was chiding, no it was an instructor from the Academy - she was abandoning her post. She was leaving the scene. She was showing weakness, she was a soldier and should be following through with her mission - she was N7, and that meant there was more expected from her.

It was all white noise as she clamoured out of the cab and hurried amidst the throngs of injured crowding the waiting room and atriums of the high-class hospital. The staff was frayed, but they shrunk out of her way - an armed, armoured individual wasn't one you sought to stop. There was no one at the registration desk when she approached, but she snagged a nurse as they ran by.

"Excuse me - I'm looking for a drell."

The nurse pulled her arm away, and pointed. "I'm certain you are. You will have to wait with the rest. Ask at the desk."

"But no one -" The woman was already gone. A squeak of frustration escaped her throat as Shepard turned back to the desk. There were others nearby, with the same strained distress on their features - though the battle wear and tear was lacking. Finally, it seemed one of the staff saw her and got her attention.

"Yes?"

"A drell - he was brought here by C-Sec. I was told he was undergoing surgery for an abdominal wound."

A haptic display appeared, and the man manipulated it, scanning through info before he finally said, "He was just released to room A-5, but you can't -" Shepard had turned on her heel. "Ma'am, you -"

"I'm a Spectre, try and stop me," she called back, hurrying ahead through the decon chamber. The interior of the hospital was less frantic than the reception, but no less busy. Paging blips and sensors were going off, filling the space between the susurrus of the doctors and technicians. She scanned the rooms.

How many times had he been here - had he felt this when she had been hurt? The nights he spent alongside her, a comforting presence beyond the haze of pain-killers and medication - a soothing voice reassuring her as they worked. She should have been there - she should have been there through it all, when she chased after that damned assassin instead. She swallowed it as she saw the room, pressing towards it as a doctor came out.

"Excuse me, may I go in? I'm looking for Thane Krios?"

The man arched his brow and pulled up his omni-tool. "I don't believe we have a patient by that name..."

"He's a drell - a stab wound," Shepard started, and she touched her abdomen. Her throat tightened. "He just came out of surgery."

"Ahh yes... I see," the doctor replied, and his omni-tool disappeared. He took her arm and drew her aside as a crash team ran past. "The doctors were able to repair a lot of the trauma, but I'm afraid his condition - he has Keprel's Syndrome -"

"I know," Shepard interrupted. "I know he's sick."

"It's complicated matters," he replied in a soothing tone. "He lost a great deal of blood, and we simply don't have enough for the transfusions he needs. The only other on the station is a match."

" - his son-"

"Yes, but it isn't enough. Even if he were healthy, I'm not sure he would pull through, his body..."

The words seemed to blur together, and Shepard had to force herself to breath.

"Ma'am?"

"I'm Jade Shepard - can I see him? Commander Shepard," she quietly asked, her eyes unfocused on the door.

"Yes. His son's with him right now. He's awake... he mentioned you." The doctor led her to the door, and stepped away it cycled open to show Kolyat standing over the bed. Her footsteps faltered as they both looked at her.

"Commander Shepard," Kolyat said, "I came to donate blood...but... well. He asked me to take off his oxygen mask. So he might be more comfortable. I'm glad you could make it."

Shepard nodded and forced a smile. The sensation reminded her of stretching a membrane over metal, something thin and tense. She reached to take Thane's offered hand. "Of course. Where else would I be?"

"The councillor, did -" Thane's words cut away as a cough rattled in his chest.

Shepard tightened her grip. "Councillor Valern is fine. Wouldn't be alive without you. Udina is..." She swallowed the ire, and huffed out a breath. "I shot him. He staged this all and betrayed us. The rest of the council is alive though - because of you." She glanced at Kolyat. "You should be proud. He saved a lot of people today."

Kolyat nodded as he hovered around the bed.

Thane nodded, his eyes darting across her features. The memories were fragmented, but he didn't need them. He had her face and her touch. But he was leaving it behind. "Siha... I'm afraid I picked a bad time to leave."

Shepard shook her head and reached for his cheek. "You couldn't disappoint me, Thane. Not now. Not after all you've done."

"Such pleasant things from your lips," he whispered, voice thin, before he began to cough, his frame shuddering on the bed. A wheeze escaped and he squeezed her hand. "Excuse me... breathing is.. difficult."

"Ever the gentleman," she whispered, and his lips found her brow. "Make it hard not to love you."

"There is something I must do before it gets worse, I must -" Thane began to cough again, the sound dwindling and strained, as though the air were thin.

Kolyat clasped his hands in prayer, as Thane's eyes drifted to Shepard's. He drew his hands together, with hers in between.

"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness." His eyes fell closed. He could see the waters of Kahje. The rain was on his face again, the lap of sound against the shore. "Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand -"

When he began to cough again, Kolyat took up the prayer. Thane blinked lengthily, his hand slipping up Shepard's forearm as she sunk closer to the bed. "Kalahira, wash the sins from this one and set him on a distant shore of the infinite spirit."

Thane wheezed, his dark eyes glistening. His voice rang with pride. "Kolyat - you speak as the priests do. You've been spending time with them."

Kolyat nodded as he came to Shepard's side, opening a worn book in front of them. Shepard's cybernetic eyes focused upon the words, rewriting as she looked. "I... I didn't think whether you can read this...It's a prayer book."

"No – no, I can," she whispered.

"Would you join me?"

Shepard nodded, and wound her fingers together with Thane's. The life was bleeding out of her, robbing the tears and trembling she expected - that she almost hoped for. Thane's eyes were on her as Kolyat began to read.

"Kalahira, this one's heart is pure but beset by wickedness and contention." Kolyat touched her arm.

Shepard rapidly blinked, and it took all her will to find her voice. "Guide this one to where the traveller never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me."

Thane's eyes closed and his features relaxed, a soft sigh escaping his lips. His fingers briefly tightened on her hand before going limp. Shepard's head dropped. It seemed so simple - she could remember just this, watching as he fell asleep beside her; the release of worldly worries and the sudden peace that followed. There was no gunfire and gore; there was only the murmur of sound as life continued chaotically on beyond the door. She laid his hand on his abdomen, and ran the other over his forehead and fringe as she leant to kiss his nose, his cheeks - his lips. The silent, still lips. Eyes, look your last...

"Thank you for your love," she whispered.

When Shepard stood up, she and Kolyat remained silent for some time. The numbness had taken hold, leaving a hollow chill throughout her limbs, leaving a gap deep in her soul. Death was no stranger to her life, she had seen this coming, yet it obliterated her. An expanding emptiness quashed the rage against her skin, and turned her to glass. It left her thoughts difficult – sluggish in the emptiness. But one came.

"Kolyat? Why did the last verse say she?"

"The prayer was not for him, Commander. He has already asked forgiveness for the lives he has taken. His wish was for you."

Shepard's expression crushed as she leant forward, touching Thane again and disconnecting further from the world. She whispered against the crest of his head, "Goodbye, Thane. I'll see you across the sea. You won't be alone long."

They drifted out of the room, beyond the dying and sick, the sounds of suffering, and found themselves alone on one of the hospital's balconies. It all seemed but a blur – a bubble waiting to pop.

"Be proud of him." Shepard put her hand on Kolyat's arm. The throb of her pulse grew intensely behind her eyes, and she forced herself to take a deep breath. "He saved us – saved the councillor. He did everything he said he would. He promised every moment, and he gave it. Down to his last dying breath."

"Because you saved him."

Shepard leant forward onto the ledge of the balcony, eyes staring unfocused. Her voice sounded so small. "It doesn't feel like I did right now."

Kolyat laid a hand on her back, and it prompted her to stand and awkwardly link arms with him. Across the presidium people were struggling to find order, and now and then the rapport of gunfire echoed from afar. But on the balcony, flowers were blooming, filling the air with a subtle sweet scent, and the fountain in the lake below left a constant murmur in the air.

"Your father was a good man, Kolyat. He always regretted not being there for you. He loved you more than anything."

Kolyat glanced away. "He found peace."

"I think he deserves it," she whispered.

"So do you."

Soon, she thought. I'm not done yet.

* * *

><p>"Have you seen the Commander?"<p>

Garrus' hands halted on the console, but he didn't look at Liara. "She went to Huerta Memorial straight away."

Liara put a hand over her mouth. "Goddess."

The haptic interface disappeared, and he took a step back, looking blankly across the CIC. "I don't think Thane made it."

They stood in silence for a time. The crew gave them a wide berth.

"He gave his life to save her. To save the councillor."

"And yet we didn't catch that bastard assassin," Garrus said, and shook his head. He shrugged, at a loss. "He was here. Thane was one of us."

"Hey Garrus," Joker's voice broke over the comm. "Commander's coming through decon. Hackett left word for her to reach him."

"Thanks," Garrus replied, and leant heavily upon the console in front of him. He let out a deep breath. "I should say something."

Liara lifted a hand, searching for the words, when Shepard appeared at the other end of the CIC. They both straightened as she approached. Her expression was a stony mask.

"Shepard, I-"

She cut him off with a wave of her hand. "Don't say anything."

One of the stealth analysts snuck by as the three of them stood silent. Shepard's hands found a place on their hips, and she made to move.

"Admiral Hacket pinged us, no doubt about the situation on the Citadel," Garrus said, prompting her to stop again. "Want me to talk to him?"

Shepard nodded a few too many times, unwilling to meet anyone's gaze with her own. "I appreciate the offer. I'll go take it. Contact Bailey, we'll be organizing two teams to go assist in flushing out the rest of Cerberus' troops." She turned away before anything else could be said.

"She always lets anyone come to her – to shoulder their burdens, to hear their sorrows. To fix it," Liara quietly said, her brow furrowed as she watched Shepard disappear into the war room. "She shouldn't need to keep it all to herself."

"She's doing what a good commander should," Garrus replied. "She'd almost make a better turian than me."

Liara glanced at him.

He crossed his arms. "Almost."

* * *

><p>"Commander – we received word of the attack on the Citadel. Communications are still down, I need your eyes."<p>

Shepard stood rigid and numb, her hands clasped tightly behind her back. "It's Cerberus, sir. And..." Her eyes fell, Thane's peaceful, still features briefly there. "Councillor Udina was the lynchpin traitor."

"Damn it," the Admiral replied. "Not a word has escaped the station, but that's worse then I feared."

"I was forced to shoot him to save the rest of the council."

Hackett sighed heavily, his hand moving out of range of the transmitter. "But they're alive, I'm guessing?"

"Yes, sir."

"Give me a quick run down," he ordered. "I'll expect a full report once the situation is under control."

"The Citadel is in chaos. We're coordinating with the remains of C-Sec to sweep the presidium for any remaining Cerberus troops. C-sec took heavy losses." Her throat tightened, and for a moment she faltered. "And they're not the only ones."

"My condolences, Commander," Hackett replied, eyes pinned to her. "It is the cost of this war."

"Aye, sir," she replied quietly, sucking in a breath. Her grip tightened, fingers whitening around her wrist behind her back. No doubt he could not see the tremble in her posture. She forced herself rigid. "I don't know what their intent was. I haven't had a chance to speak with Councillor Valern, but I'm certain it had to do with Udina's betrayal. They wanted the Citadel for some reason. But we're holding them back."

"Stay until the situation is under control," Hackett replied. "If we lose the Citadel, we lose everything. Make this your top priority. Make this a beacon of hope."

"Yes, sir."

He sighed again and nodded to her. "I'll be waiting on your report - and for some good news, hopefully. Hackett out."

Left in the dark of the comm. room, Shepard stood stiffly, staring at the dance of blue over the QE sensors in front of her. The last remnant of her strength was bleeding away, creating a vacuum in her chest that dragged and constricted inside her. She had to move. She was in her quarters without a word to anyone, each second ticking to become a throb behind her eyes and leave knots in her stomach.

The sudden solitude worsened it. Shepard sucked a breath of air - forced it in - pacing with heavy steps in the confined space of her quarters. The walls were too close, and she tugged at the collar of her armour, cracking seals and dropping a piece as she spun. Each breath came ragged, half-pulled like she'd been running too hard and too long, choked and dry.

He had laid there with her in his arms, his breath on her neck and his voice in her ear. She had fallen asleep to the sound of it. The foreknowledge of the truth – of his mortality and illness – did nothing to cushion the memory. The reality of his absence from... anywhere.

Focusing on her breathing, on her steps, and on the shell of her skin, was all that kept Shepard from pitching furniture and shattering the glass that held the useless model star ships. Frivolities. A biotic punch would take out both cases in one go. It would be so satisfying; it would be something more than this! She sucked another breath of air, the sound cracking in her chest as she looked up. The skylight was thankfully closed, showing only the drab metal that confined her.

The voice of the small child came back to her.

_Everyone is dying. _


	10. Chapter 10

"Shepard?"

Leaning on her arm facing the fish tank, Shepard stood up with a start and looked at the door – before remembering it was locked. She heard Garrus clear his throat on the other side.

"Commander Bailey has given us coordinates of two areas Cerberus is still wreaking havoc."

Shepard latched her armor back on her frame and stepped into the bathroom, splashing water on her face. She halted when she saw herself in the mirror. Her hard suit was still bloody and blackened from the fighting. For a moment she felt as though she were looking at a stranger.

"… I know we can't stop right now. I know you need to, but maybe –" Garrus stepped back as the door opened.

"Where's the team?" Her expression was blank.

"I asked them to assemble in the shuttle bay." He handed her a data pad.

"Good." She looked over the details. "Is James okay?"

"Yeah," Garrus replied as they stepped into the elevator. "The doctor patched it up; he didn't lose too much blood, so he's good to go."

"Lucky," Shepard whispered, and fell silent as her throat tightened. She crossed her arms, and they stayed quiet as the elevator went down. The small group was waiting when the doors open, and stopped talking when they saw her. She briefly gritted her teeth before saying, "You should be ready. We don't get down time in this war. Cortez – prep the Kodiak for launch."

"Yes, ma'am."

Javik remained still as the others gathered their equipment in haste. Shepard stood with him and crossed her arms.

"The turmoil in you has grown." His head turned towards her. "How do you expect to survive what comes when so little causes such distress?"

Shepard clenched her jaw. Her eyes began to unfocus as she listened to the click and charge of hard suits and guns. The rage was trapped, magma between glass plates.

"There can only be death with the Reapers, and emotions are one of the weaknesses they prey upon."

"I'm aware of that," Shepard replied under her breath.

"They are hard, and you are soft. We are all soft, and they seek to crush us. It is their unifying goal. They create turmoil and you turn upon each other."

Shepard's head snapped to him, and their eyes met. Her words were a heated whisper. "I know the Reapers plan to kill us all. I don't know what Cerberus is doing, but I damned well know it's tearing us apart." She dropped her arms and cracked her shoulders back as she stood toe to toe with him. "You agreed to come aboard my ship, to follow my orders, and assist my missions. But every time you creep up my spine to whisper in my ear, it isn't helping. I don't need you - I don't need my crew breeding the despair that I am seeing everywhere we land. The Reapers are doing that well enough!"

Javik didn't speak right away, and maintained her gaze as the team moved past.

"It isn't as simple as shutting off that part of me. Of not caring. My life was peaceful once."

"Yes," he replied. "But many years ago. You have known suffering much of your life. More than the rest of these primitives."

"We are products of our environment. If I don't preserve my soul through this war, what will be left of me when we win?"

"You do not say that with conviction," he replied, and followed as she led the way to the docking port.

"There is doubt in everything we do. To live without doubt, to live without questioning your actions, your motives, your chances of success? That is living blind. And I know I can't afford to do that."

"Indeed."

Shepard stabbed a finger back towards her team. "I will give them my conviction, but I damned well won't serve you the same platitudes."

"You do not give them to the turian, either."

"No," Shepard said, and crossed her arms, waiting with her back to her team. "And if I try to, he sees through them."

"You speak of a soul. But this thing, it does not matter. Survival for us - for organics - is what matters. Morality has no place. It is evolution; it is change that must be sustained. It must have the chance to advance beyond this - and beyond the Reapers."

"I won't hesitate to die, Javik. I know what is required of me."

"That is a sentiment you believe."

"Commander Shepard?" EDI flanked them and clasped her hands behind her back, standing at attention. The others fell in alongside her. "We have not received word as to our mission."

"We'll be breaking into two teams to sweep through two sectors within the presidium where Cerberus soldiers have become stranded - and desperate. It appears the bulk of their fighting force withdrew when the assassin disappeared, but pockets remain and disturb the peace. Garrus, you'll be taking the Zakera maintenance junction with EDI and Liara. Javik, James - you're with me. I'll provide further information en route."

Liara furrowed her brow.

"Any questions, save them. We need this taken care of ASAP." She opened the door and they started down the security dock, before pulling up her omni-tool. "Use our secure channel, SVN 2, communication is still spotty. Garrus, keep me informed."

"You've got it, Shepard."

The silence dragged as they snagged a sky car and flew to the isolated power transfer station. Shepard's driving was unsafe but efficient, and they soon were setting down amidst enemy fire. Rifles charged, they deployed into cover and began to draw the fire from the pinned C-sec officers.

"Any plan of attack, Commander?" Vega asked, as scanned the field.

"Take them down without mercy," she said, before a biotic burst sent her into the fray. Their gunfire followed as her omni-tool lit and ripped into the Cerberus soldiers alongside her. She barrelled over another with a biotic punch that left the man hanging in the air, and turned to eviscerate the closest next to her, shattering the ephemeral omni-blade.

* * *

><p>"Specialist Traynor has intercepted information regarding a hidden cell of ex-Cerberus scientists," Shepard said, leaning on the strategy table support. The display shifted to show the system. Her team was huddled close to the blue glow. "If the intel is good, these people could be one of the greatest assets we find for working on the Crucible."<p>

"And the Citadel?"

Shepard blinked lengthily. Her eyes were dark, rimmed in fatigue. She stood up. "We won't go until I hear from Commander Bailey and the councillors – we need to slap down any further incursions before they start. Vega, EDI – I'd appreciate if you check in and offer assistance where needed. I'm waiting on the remaining councillors.

"But Cerberus is disorganized right now – they're hurting after the failed coup. So we need to find these scientists ASAP."

"Will do, Commander," Vega said with a nod and saluted.

"Dismissed," Shepard said, and her attention returned to the display as it bleeped for her attention. She scanned the reports as the crew filtered out, leaving just Liara and Garrus behind.

The asari stepped closer and spoke under her breath. "You can't just shut everything and everyone out, Commander."

Shepard's lips pressed in a line as her fingers danced over the haptic interface. Her eyes were rimmed in red, fine lines of fatigue deepening them.

"Shepard…"

"Don't I?" Shepard said, eyes flitting between her friends.

"You're only one person," Garrus replied from where he stood next to her. "What do you say – you're only human."

Shepard shook her head and leant heavily on the console once more, unwilling to look up from the display. "It isn't that easy."

"Damn it… I know. I know it isn't," Garrus replied with a sigh. "But you need to get some rest."

"I'll sleep when I'm dead."

His omni-tool blipped and he muttered a curse. He put a hand on her shoulder before hurrying to one of the nearby communication terminals.

Liara took another tentative step closer, and put her hand down beside Shepard's. "Do you?"

Shepard wearily lifted her head.

"Get any rest?"

Shaking her head, Shepard stood up and paced beside the display of the half-built Crucible as she spoke under her breath. "No. No, there's never any rest. I just…" She trailed off and stared at the holo.

"Jade - you cannot carry all the burdens of the galaxy."

"You think I don't know that?" Shepard took a quick step back towards Liara, her voice quiet fire. "You think I don't feel what it's doing to me? I have to carry it all, Liara, I can't just be human – I can't just be one person! I can't let it show when I'm out there!"

Liara's expression blanked. "I…"

"When I do, people die. When I don't smile and tell them we'll survive, when I don't give them hope – they die. Whether by gunfire or their own hand, they die because of me! Because I wasn't strong enough!" Shepard turned once more, pacing in the confined space. She tapped her chest. "They need me to be something more than human – people have been telling me for years that I am an icon. So that's what I have to be – that's what the galaxy needs!"

Liara stood immobile, at a loss for words.

"It doesn't matter what I need. This isn't about me." Shepard took a few steps back, glancing around as it dawned on her. They were staring - and it was too quiet. She looked between the soldiers working in the war-room, stopping at Garrus. For a brief moment, her expression crushed, before disappearing into a resolute mask. She backed towards the door, clearing her throat to say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, none of you deserved that. Carry on with your duties, I appreciate all the time and heart you're putting into our efforts."

"Shepard, don't –"

"Please…" Shepard lifted a hand to silence Liara. "Let me know if you have intel on the scientists. I need anything you've got."

Liara nodded and whispered, "Of course. Anything."

Shepard hurried through the conference room and scarce nodded at the privates guarding the security checkpoint. Past the CIC and into the elevator, she was in the car before she exhaled roughly and righted her posture.

EDI's voice came over the comm.. "Shepard, I have contacted Commander Bailey. He has indicated that our help may be required in the future, but for now, C-sec has regained control of Citadel security."

"Thanks, EDI. Return to your normal duties."

"Of course, Commander."

Shepard closed her eyes, the tension behind them bleeding through her limbs and leaving knots in the muscles. She hit the elevator controls, and was in the hold before she looked up. She strode over to Vega's station and leant against the crates nearby, crossing her arms.

It was a moment before he looked up from the work he was doing at the desk. He didn't stop tweaking the rifle on his desk. "Hey."

"Seems Captain Bailey doesn't need you."

"Guess so," Vega glanced her way, before putting the tools in his hands down. "Guess we've got more important things to do, huh?"

"Yeah," Shepard said with a sigh, and looked through the cargo hold. Sparks flew where Cortez repaired part of the Kodiak.

Vega glanced between her and his bench, before closing the diagnostic program. "You need to chat or something?"

"No," Shepard said, still distracted. "I need something to hit."

"Oh, I see," Vega said with a chuckle, and cracked his shoulders back. "So you came to find a punching bag?"

Shepard closed her eyes a moment to compose herself, and stood up. "You're right. I need a shooting range."

Vega chuckled, and as she strode towards the elevator. "Aww, don't be like that - you can hit me anytime, Lola!"

When the elevator door closed on her, Vega's eyes swung to where Cortez had stopped working. He shrugged.

"You're an ass sometimes, you know that?"

Vega kissed the air and turned back to his work before calling out, "I thought that's what you liked about me?"

Shepard swept through the Normandy, scarce acknowledging any who vied for her attention. The numbness ebbed to a pain in her chest, something that left a tingle in her limbs and a pressure behind her eyes. She was out through decontamination and striding quickly across the docking back when she almost ran into someone.

"Commander Shepard," Kolyat said, as he put down the heavy case he had. "I was hoping to catch you before you left. Good."

"Really?" Shepard said, and smiled to swallow the choke in her throat. "That's sweet of you. I…"

"Wait." Kolyat waved a hand and hoisted the black case again, his fingers dancing around the edge as they sidestepped the other people in the dock. He cleared his throat. "You should take this."

"What is it?" Shepard quietly asked as she took the case. Laying it on the edge a nearby planter, she popped the lock and was about to open it when Kolyat laid his hand upon it to keep it closed.

"My father's weapons," Kolyat said under his breath, eyes down upon the case. "The rifle you gave him – he kept them after your mission together. He had them in storage."

Shepard visibly tensed, and clenched her jaw as she ran her hands over the curved corners of the case with a delicate touch. She sniffed in sharply and whispered, "You didn't have to do this."

"He would have wanted you to have them," Kolyat said, a rumble and strain in his throat. "I want you to."

Breathing deep to straighten back, Shepard put a hand on his arm as she looked at him. "You could come with us – we can always use able hands on the Normandy." There was a brief pause before she added, "It's safe there."

"I don't know much about ship travel," he replied, and glanced across the docks. "There's a lot more I can do here - with Bailey, with C-Sec."

Shepard squeezed his arm. "You do Thane proud by it."

Kolyat's eyes fell back down between them, and Shepard's strayed to the case. Her hand still lay upon it. She closed the latch, and moved awkwardly, running her other hand up his arm to rest on his shoulder.

"Don't be a stranger?" she quietly said. "If you ever need anything – anything at all – find me. I'll be here for you. I'll do anything I can, Kolyat."

"I will," he said, and met her eyes.

Shepard strong armed him into a quick hug, before she hoisted up the case. "I have to go. But I'll be in touch, okay?"

"Of course," Kolyat said, jerking a step or two back. "I – I didn't mean to keep you."

"You didn't," she said, and motioned with the case. "And if you change your mind about coming aboard –"

"I won't," Kolyat said, and his hands settled behind his back. "I have a duty here to keep. They need me, now more than ever."

"Good man," she said, a crack in her voice the only break of her restraint. She forced a closed lip smile and pulled him into an awkward embrace, before tucking her head down and escaping.

* * *

><p>Shepard tipped the bottle and let the blue liquor sear a chill all the way into her gut. She had time. Probably more productive than pacing on the ship. She took another drink and set it aside, and the clink of the bottle echoed in the quiet of the Spectre shooting range. Licking the citrus burn off her lips, she ran her hands over the unassuming black case before opening it.<p>

She had always been jealous of the care Thane took with his guns. While she imagined herself proficient, his memory allowed him to handle, clean, and modify them with an accuracy she could never hope to match.

He was a better shot than her too – at least as a sniper. She could shoot better than most with almost any gun admittedly, but his ability with that had impressed her too. She was an iron sight. He had been something more. Meticulous. A perfectionist in his art – the tools to maximize his efficiency, he would have said.

The rifle assembled quickly and extended silently. He had told her once that was the first thing he did with any gun he planned to keep – it needed to be as quiet as him, else it would be of no use. She could remember the night well, alone in the cargo hold at all hours, the ship filled with tension as their suicide mission loomed closer. Before the crew had been taken – before everything had started to fall apart.

Shepard popped a new sink in and settled down at the range, moving the target farther away. Her movements sounded clunky and awkward – something he never had been. Her throat tightened, and as the target moved, she grabbed the bottle and drank the rest.

But then, who was she kidding? Everything had fallen apart a long time ago. How could she have seen then where it would go? Life was moments. Someone else with better sense had said that.

The bottle clanked as it rolled off the bench. It went ignored as Shepard butted the rifle into her shoulder and set her eye against the sight. The rifle's stabilizers kicked in to compensate for the wobble in her hands – but it didn't help her blurring vision. It didn't matter. Details didn't matter. She exhaled and aimed up on the oblong, black figure on the target, firing as her body stilled.

Her omni-tool flickered, the blips silenced. It didn't matter who needed her right now.

He'd appraised her ability when they'd spent time shooting, one day. After they'd come back through the relay. It made him smile – smiling because he had improvements for her.

She fired again, reloading quickly to steady her breath, exhale, and pull the trigger.

He had tricks that no N7 trainer had even thought of.

_The more I know, the better I become. The better weapon, the better person. I have never shied from any knowledge I could find. Though in the end, I am not certain if that is a regret or not._

Shepard fired again, before standing up and knocking the recall on the target. She hoisted the rifle, but wavered when she moved, a wave of dizziness through her. She huffed and half-laughed at herself, but there was no smile on her face as she collapsed the rifle and laid it reverently back in the case.

_Siha._

Could she even give it up? Or would it just sit in the case, locked away in her quarters where no one could touch it until the Reapers destroyed them all? It was better that way. Better if no one saw, no one knew, protected within the sleek, black, case. Impenetrable.

Shepard leaned heavily on the case, huffing as she choked back a cry. She laid her fingers over the SMG, and missed the door opening at the back of the firing range.

"Pretty good place to come hide."

Shepard huffed and bit away her breath, unmoved from where she gripped the case, steeling her joints to keep herself upright. "Not good enough, it seems."

"Guess not," Ashley said as she took a few tentative steps forward. "I thought to come thank you for not shooting me, back there."

"Wouldn't be the first time I didn't," Shepard replied, a subtle slur in her words. She closed the case and snapped it shut, sniffing in sharply as she stood upright. "But you didn't come here for that. What can I do for you, Williams?"

"Don't worry about me. You're the one everyone's worried about" she said, and took another step closer. "Thane spoke very fondly of you, you know."

"Don't," Shepard said, a shudder in her voice as her head hung down. She closed her eyes tightly. "Please."

"Okay," Ashley replied, and shifted her weight. "We've been through a lot. I just… wanted you to know I've still got your back, okay?"

Shepard's head hung heavier as her senses swam again. It'd been a challenge to get herself drunk since her rebuild, but the liquor was strong enough. And she drank it fast enough. It effaced just enough, it dulled just enough.

"Commander?"

"Please," Shepard whispered, bracing her arms on the case. "I need to be alone."

"I'll leave a message for you," Ashley said, nodding as she back-pedalled. "Things to talk about, right?"

Shepard nodded, grief robbing her of words. She didn't move as the door cycled and left her alone. She sunk to the ground, clattering amidst empty bottles as hot tears wet her cheeks.


	11. Chapter 11

Shepard stood in the lounge, looking at the depthless stars. She could feel the hum of the ship around her, even if it did not betray their movement. Looking back down to the datapad in hand, she sorted through the intelligence reports and singled out what needed to be sent to Anderson. She turned her head as the door opened behind her, but continued to work as heavy steps entreated into the room.

"What can I do for you, lieutenant?"

"Thought I'd drop by," James replied, pacing nearby.

"Good to know," Shepard said under her breath, and fell silent as she continued to work. He kept moving behind her.

"Look, I thought - no, I had to come apologize for how I acted when everything went to shit on the Citadel," he said in a hurry. "I know now... well, that you lost someone. And I didn't then. I was an ass, and I wanted to apologize, ma'am."

"Water under the bridge, James," she replied without turning.

"That's easy enough to say. If I'd known -"

"You didn't." Shepard tossed the data pad down on the sofa in front of her, before half-turning to him. She smirked. "Besides - being a smart ass is what I like best about you."

"Oh yeah? What else do you like about me?"

Shepard briefly chuckle and sank down onto the sofa. "Apart from what I'm looking at? You help get me out of my head. I have to spend a lot of time in there, but you kick my ass to force a smile when I don't think I can."

"Sounds like quite the crush you've got there."

The datapad was in Shepard's hand and sailing to smack him in the head before she responded. He fumbled to catch it before it hit the ground. "You've been good to have around – maybe even a friend. When I needed one."

"Saying you don't need me anymore?"

She offered a Cheshire smile. "Oh I do. I need you to go help Cortez with the stealth calibrations on the Kodiak. We've got some heat coming."

"Oh I see," James replied and rolled his eyes. "Sweet talk me before getting me to do your dirty work. Hmm"

Shepard shook her head and snagged the datapad from the air when he tossed it to her, before he disappeared back out the door.

* * *

><p>Shepard woke with a start, groaning as she lifted her head from the back of the chair. The remnant Mordin and Thane's voices echoed in her thoughts, leaving a deep ache in her stomach. She stood up with some difficulty, her dress blues sticking to her frame from the cold sweat upon her. She leaned on the desk and hung her head, her pulse thudding in her throat as she tried to slough the clinging panic of the dream. Her work terminal was still open - though the messages had grown since her unplanned nap.<p>

She could remember sleep being an escape as a child - if she were sick or in pain it had been her refuge from it all. Somewhere her imagination could sooth her and take her away from drab colony life. The events that shaped her invariably changed that, and it became routine to sleep in stints - in small pockets of time, as though sleep were the enemy.

But that is what it had become. There was no rest when her eyes closed, there was no silence and peace, there were voices, faces, and shadows. Sleep was a reminder she couldn't evade.

Straightening her uniform as best she could, Shepard fled to the elevator as her chest began to tighten. Down two levels, she stepped onto the crew deck and halted into slow, silent steps. Garrus stood by the memorial wall, affixing two plates to the list; Mordin, Thane. She grit her teeth as she took to his side.

"Commander... didn't hear you there."

"Getting hard of hearing in your old age," she replied.

Garrus chuckled once, his mandibles flexing before he fell silent.

Shepard edged forward to trace her fingers over their names, and her touch lingered upon 'Krios'.

"Seemed like the right thing to do. We wouldn't be here without either of them - the Normandy wouldn't be."

"They're part of the crew," Shepard whispered. "And they sacrificed for the mission."

"Yeah."

The quiet sounds of the ship hung between them.

"Did it with EDI's help. She made them."

"The plaques were readily available," EDI commented, her voice nearby. "It was simple enough."

"Thank you. That means a lot."

When I join them, there will be no one to save my name. If I am dead, then all is lost, Shepard though. Would it be the peaceful rest she needed?

"Here's hoping we don't fill it up," Garrus said, and interrupted her thoughts.

"Yeah." Shepard glanced his way when he touched her arm. She nodded and turned down the hall, where the door to life support cycled open in front of her. She hesitated as Garrus cleared his throat, his slow steps following her.

"Shepard - don't go in there."

She put her hand on the doorframe, the weight of her grief emerging from the hollow spaces inside her. Everything was so heavy. The room seemed empty, so distant from where she stood. They'd covered the window - and his guns made a home elsewhere, now. She just wanted to sit there. To sit and close her eyes and pretend that they were somewhere else - that he was there, sitting silently across from her. And it would only be a moment before he reached for her hand, and said it.

Siha.

Garrus put his hand on her shoulder. "It's not where you should be."

"I guess not," Shepard whispered.

"Our requisition shipment came in," he said, his words coming together with greater speed. He shifted his weight. "The new mods you ordered. Seems like the right thing to do in the middle of the night, don't you think? Go and play with some guns?"

Shepard half smiled and the door closed. "Garrus, playing with guns is an any time of day activity."

"I know," he said, and they walked towards the elevator. "That's why I like you so much."

* * *

><p>"Good. Get the last two crates onto the transport. Shepard wants us locked and ready by the time she gets back," Cortez said, and double-checked the requisition list he held. The other two crew members murmured amongst themselves as they hoisted the medical supplies onto the hovering transport cart.<p>

"Too bad that won't be the case," Shepard said, and prompted him to turn.

"We can't all be as efficient as you, ma'am."

"I know, I know," she replied. "I'm just that good." They chuckled, and she fell into line with the crew members as they led the way from the transfer deck on the Citadel. Bypassing the main lifts, they took one of the short freight elevators up a deck, only to find a throng of refugees cluttering the way to the security checkpoint and their docking bay.

"Never gets easier to see, you know?" Cortez said as they followed the supplies. One of the other soldiers took the head to part the crowds. Families were huddled together against the walls, their belongings stacked around them. An asari was serving food rations and trying to calm the frayed, frightened masses.

"Doesn't get any easier for them, either," Shepard replied under her breath. "Their homes have been taken, their families fractured or dead. Something like that never goes away." She lifted a hand and smiled warmly at a pair of turian children looking her way. One waved back with just fingers, her face heavy beyond her years. They were held up at security as the crewman tried to convey their clearance codes.

Shepard wandered over and stooped down. "Hey there, how are you holding up?"

The older girl linked her arms around her sister and they cringed away.

"Sorry - I'm Jade. A soldier with the Alliance - and a Spectre too."

"Marta, come here!"

Shepard stood up as the parents hovered closer, and she lifted her hands innocently. "Sorry. Just... wanted to offer a friendly face."

"We can't be too certain," the elderly turian replied, and looked her up and down. His mandibles flared as his partner came to his side.

"You're Commander Shepard."

"I am, glad to make your acquaintance... ?"

"Commander!" Cortez called from nearby, flagging her to follow. When she looked back the turian family was gone, and there were other refuges filling the space.

"Shepard, please," a woman pleaded, and grabbed her arm. "You must be able to help us. We've been trapped down here for days! What are they going to do with us?"

"I'm sure the immigration officials are doing all they can-"

"I heard you gave clearance for another family when they landed – they'll listen to you!" Another man called out, and the other refugees murmured their agreement. Their eyes were marked by the death they'd seen, and deepened by lack of sleep.

"Each of us does what we can to help the war. I'm sorry I have to go-"

There was an oddity in the edge of Shepard's vision - separate from the soiled, wrinkled, and tired refugees. The woman beside her was brushed aside and raised her voice as the person came closer - their voices muted as Shepard's attention honed in.

There was the flicker of energy and metal - a blade.

It sliced through her arm as she moved to deflect it, and caught the woman by the scruff of the neck, flowing to pin the attacker to the floor. Another jerk wrenched the blade away - and their arm out of the socket. There was blood flowing, a burning up her arm - it was deep. The refugees screamed for security and shrank away from them.

"Stay down," Shepard hissed.

There was a subdued pop, and the woman's head jerked, her eyes bursting red. There amidst the blood was an unnatural blue glow. Cortez and one of the soldiers from the Normandy were at her side as a rivulet of blood leaked down the attackers' nose.

"Commander - are you alright? Damn it, I'm sorry - you're bleeding."

"I'm fine," Shepard replied, letting her weight off the person and pressing two fingers to the attacker's neck. "I handled it. Call Bailey."

A medic had Shepard sat down and was closing the laceration up her arm when Bailey and a trio of C-sec officers arrived. Her crewmen kept the crowds at bay, and without hesitation, the officers began to clear the refugees from the transition area.

"Shepard, good to see you," Bailey said, as he walked to where a technician was investigating the body. He knelt down, and they checked the victim's neck and chest. He cursed under his breath as he stood up. "That's the third one. Secure it in stasis and transport it to the labs. You're lucky to get out of this one alive."

"What do you mean?"

"Dignitaries from the other races have been turning up dead - at least eight of them. Two bodies similar to this - heavily modified, and carrying a blade."

"I didn't kill them."

"No, I know," Bailey chuckled and crossed his arms. "One of the few you didn't, I'm sure. They killed themselves - ocular flash-bangs."

"Cerberus," Shepard replied, and her eyes fell down to the dead agent on the ground.

"I suspected as much," Bailey murmured. He pulled up his omni-tool and quickly issued a handful of orders. "How's that arm?"

"You have some unique implants ma'am, I-"

Shepard tugged her arm back from the medic, cringing as something tore and swelled with blood. "Thank you. I have a doctor more than capable upon my ship." She took one of the applicators from the man and slathered the cut in medi-gel before standing up. "Did you need assistance with the assassins?"

"The salarians are providing us with the tech to try track them - I think we'll be able to make a break through and ensure no one else gets hurt. Or worse."

Standing over the body of the broken woman, Shepard's eyes darted between the between the subtle indicators - the artificial constructs that changed her. "Send me a report. Keep their bodies in isolation, but once they are no longer of use, destroy them."

"I don't know if that's -"

"It is necessary, and you will see it done," Shepard said and strode past him to where Cortez and her crewmen waited.

* * *

><p>"I'll contact you when we receive word."<p>

"Thank you, Specialist."

"What gives him the selfish right to give up the fight?" Garrus growled from where he sat beside her. "Like the rest of us don't want to be with our families? To be saving them from this hell?"

"I guess Jacob was just pulling a paycheque," Shepard murmured, and filled her glass. Another drink helped blur away the thoughts, but as she sat beside Garrus in the lounge, her father's voice surfaced. She was eleven. Her aunt had died in a shuttle accident, and he'd been under pressure from the colony – something about shipments for agricultural implements. There was more, but she'd been too young to care – too young for all the details. It was one of the few times she'd seen her father drink. Neither of her parents had known she was there.

_ You hit a point where it isn't a matter of being who you need to be at every moment– it becomes maintenance of your own existence. It takes all your strength just to meet the minimum. You have to meet a deadline, you have to support a family – you have obligations where failure isn't an option. And in your rush to keep everyone else afloat, you find yourself drowning. So what if it's in a glass?_

"Jacob chose himself. He chose himself over the mission."

"Doesn't make it right," Garrus replied.

"Life isn't about what's right."

"You – you're hrm." Garrus drank his own drink, and huffed out before saying, "Preaching to the converted."

The galaxy was burning and she spent the creds on keeping their lounge stocked with liquor. Shepard drank the next glass and refilled it. Bloody maternal thoughts at the jealousy of Jacob simply running off to have a family – a luxury she had promised never to give herself. A fear she had rarely considered, knowing what it meant. The threat they would face. But she had loved – and knew loss.

"It isn't hopeless, right?" she whispered.

Garrus let out a heavy sigh. "Not yet."

"Not yet," she repeated in agreement.

His omni-tool went off, and he downed another drink before pulling up to his feet. "Speaking of responsibility. Here's hoping the Primarch is fine with my head in the drink."

"Have fun," she murmured, her eyes down in the glass as he patted her shoulder and lumbered off to take the call. Another glass emptied and filled, softening the edges of the world. It was some time later - time was something more difficult to gauge at the moment, she found - that Specialist Traynor came through the door.

"Commander, I have -" Traynor's foot steps slowed, and she cleared her throat. "I didn't mean to interrupt, ma'am."

Shepard picked up her head and sniffed in sharply, not moving from where she sat at the bar table. The world was pleasantly effaced. "What is it, Specialist?"

"Communications have been sketchy, but I'm narrowing down on a location." She waved a data pad, daring to tread a few steps closer.

"Thank you," Shepard said, and her words slurred together. She keyed up her omni-tool. "Jus' send me the info, an' mark it in the map."

"It - it's quite late. I mean, I will send it, I just though that..."

"You can go rest, Traynor," Shepard murmured, planting her face down into her hand as the world swam.

Traynor's eyes darted between the bottles - more than one empty ryncol bottle. Her brow knit and she nipped at her lip. "Aye, I will - it seemed to me you could use some rest yourself. That stool can't be comfortable."

"You are dismissed," Shepard said, enunciating the words with deliberate care. "Thnk you, Tray-nor."

"Yes," she quickly said, and took a step back. Shepard was supporting her head with a second hand when Traynor escaped out the door, and hesitated briefly in the corridor.

When Traynor and Liara entered together, Shepard had let her head sink onto the table.

It felt better to be lost and numbed. It felt better than waking from the dreams, than hearing their voices around her. Muddled them, watery words bubbled and muted.

"I'll take care of her," Liara said, and waited for Traynor to go before approaching. "Shepard?"

"Hmm," Shepard murmured, and tried to lift her head - the world tilted. "Liara? Wh-tar-you doin' here?"

"Does it matter?" Liara said under her breath, and had to move quickly to steel an arm around Shepard as the woman stood and pitched. She wrinkled her nose. "From the smell, I'd say that's quite the assortment of liquor you've have."

"Ahhh, it has to be strong," Shepard replied, inhaling deeply and trying to stand as her head rolled to look at Liara. "Being a cyborg, y'know? Har - Harder t'be poisn'd."

"I think you've had enough…"

"Is it ever?"

Liara moved a step towards the door, urging Shepard with her, and grunted, "Yes. Yes, I think you've surpassed that."

"Mebbe."

They struggled into the corridor, and Liara sighed again when they finally made it into the elevator. She let Shepard slump against the back wall. "I've never known you to drink like this, Jade. At least not outside of celebrations."

Shepard stared at her as the elevator started to move, her thoughts sluggishly pulling together. "You desherve better than this." She petted Liara's arm, her eyes glazed and unfocused. "But you're safe. You're safe here, I know you're safe."

"Right," Liara said under her breath, and linked her arm under Shepard's. "Come on…"

"Mm sorry, Liara," Shepard said as she stumbled along with her. "You should've left me there."

"I doubt that," she replied, and eased Shepard down onto the bed. The Commander went limp, and she sighed again. "You need me. I know that."

"But it's not fair," Shepard said as she closed her eyes. Her voice warbled. "It's never been fair, 'n' I just take take take…"

"Really, is that what you've been doing?" Liara grunted and tugged Shepard up onto the bed more. "Goddess, can't you help at all?"

"I'm sorry," Shepard murmured, and crawled up the bed with what seemed to be a concerted effort. She let her face slump into the pillow, staring at her footlocker off the side of the bed.

"It's alright," Liara sighed and stood up.

"I love him," Shepard whispered, and closed her eyes as tears welled in them. Her body began to tremble, and voice thickened as her words half-slurred together. "I love him and he's gone, and I love you. I've always loved you and I never told either of you enough."

Liara gaped briefly and a flush rose on her cheeks. She took a step away, and stood there stunned for a time. She wound her hands together as her thoughts flew, before she forced herself to step back closer to the bed. "Shepard?"

When no reply came she went closer. "Shepard I – I don't think now is… is the best time to talk about any of this, really…" Liara frowned, only to shake her head and step away as she heard a soft snore escape. She put her hands over her face. "Goddess."


	12. Chapter 12

"Thanks for coming, Commander," Ashley said, as they stood and watched her sister by the wall. "For the support."

"Of course," Shepard replied. Her eyes were unfocused, thoughts detached from the moment for her own sake. "It's difficult to lose people."

Cortez cleared his throat from where he stood at Shepard's other elbow, and exchanged a glance with Williams before extending a slender frame towards their Commander. "You know that as well as any of us, Commander. Don't think we expect you to just forget."

Shepard paled as she clasped the frame, seeing Thane's face looking back at her from within. It wasn't a portrait, but a snapshot of some moment in time – some moment when he wasn't looking. "Where…"

Ashley motioned towards the memory wall. "Does it matter?"

"Liara found it for us," Cortez said, and put a hand on his Commander's shoulder.

Shepard clenched her jaw as a numbing shiver ran through her and left gooseflesh on her limbs. The docking bay felt too close, muted. The vitality of a hunter glinted in Thane's dark eyes, following some unseen target beyond the scope of the image.

"Take your time," Cortez said, as she stared at the photo.

"I – I need to go over there, don't I? Be the big sister."

"She needs you," Shepard replied in a bare whisper, and looked up to Williams with dry eyes. "She needs you to be strong. Help her remember the warmth of the sun and the sound of his laugh."

"Yeah," Ash replied, and looked to the memory wall. She inhaled deeply before wandering over.

Cortez waited until she was out of earshot. "What was he like?"

"Well…" Shepard pressed her lips together and swallowed a tremor. "You have to keep in mind that a drell remembers everything – no matter how small. He was well-read, attentive, and a perfectionist without fault." Her voice grew quieter. "A philosopher with a shadow over his heart because of what he had done in his life. The galaxy's best assassin. I… I don't think my father would have approved."

"No? Somehow I can't see you with anyone but the best," Cortez replied with a chuckle. He shifted his weight and dropped his arms.

"I should add it to the wall, shouldn't I?"

"You should do whatever you want – maybe even what you need."

The memory of green lip highs and whorling colours superimposed with the soft press of blue beauty. In her thoughts their voices mingled together – the multi-tonal rumble of his to the soft laughter of hers. A trained killer in contrast to a reclusive academic. The hazy memory of Liara's lips in a liquored blur.

She could hear him in her thoughts, hear the first moment he spoke of his death, but already the specifics of his words were growing distant; the clarity he always had was what she lacked. His evolution to acceptance in her absence; how merely seeing him again had erased her uncertainty. He basked somewhere dry, across the sea in a land free of pain and sorrow. Perhaps he would find release in his memories, in the deities and faith that had never found hold in her life.

Shepard took a step towards the memory wall and lost sight of the crowded docking bay and refugees, oblivious to Ashley and Steve's eyes on her as she reached to place the frame within the sea of lost faces.

It was where he belonged. It was what she had to do.

Shepard's head hung heavy, and her eyes swung down to look over the lakes and pockmarked walls of the once pristine Presidium. "So. How are we gonna drive back."

"Hmm, I hadn't really thought that far." Inspecting his bottle, Garrus set the empty drink aside, reaching for the last one to fill for Shepard a glass.

"I bet EDI could fly it," Shepard replied, downing the fuchsia liquor. "Scare them and call in for a rescue."

Garrus laughed a bit, the sound briefly drowned by the whiz of a sky car overhead. "Yeah, anyone who intercepts it knows they're screwed if Commander Shepard is calling for an evac."

Shepard laughed a bit and shook her head. Exhaling heavily, they were quiet before she looked into her empty glass. "I wish we hadn't shot all the booze."

"Have a little faith, Commander," Garrus replied with a groan, and hoisted himself up. With clunking footsteps, he retrieved a crate from the black sky car. Plunking his backside down, the crate clanked between them. "Stick to pink."

Shepard smiled and smacked his arm. "Ahh Mr. Vakarian. Always got my back."

"Mmm," Garrus said, cracking another bottle and motioning at her with it. "I might not if you out-drink me."

"Don't think you can carry me?" Shepard asked, leaning back on an elbow to steady herself. Her eyes skirted the view from their precarious perch.

"Might not want to," Garrus said, opening his own bottle and drinking deep. "Though, it wouldn't be the first time I had to haul your ass back to the ship."

"I'll be sure to leave a note with C-Sec when you pass out."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Big words for a little human."

"That is cyborg, to you," Shepard said, and swirled her drink. Cocking her brow, she nodded towards his own glass. "Don't hurt yourself - can't be expected to keep up with me."

Garrus stretched a leg out, leaning back beside her and releasing a placating sigh. "Couldn't match my skills with a rifle, so you'll try and beat me with words?"

"Don't have to try. It's a non-contest."  
>"Really."<p>

Shepard leant closer. "I've got upgrades even you couldn't calibrate."

Garrus shook his head and laughed, his mandibles flexing. "You know, that sort of talk might unsettle Vega, but you're talking to a turian with nerves of steel!"

Shepard smiled and said, "Don't I know it."

Downing the rest of his drink, Garrus watched her a moment before saying, "This is why we came up here."

"Hmm?" Shepard settled back, lying lax like a bag of rice.

"We needed it."

She smirked and opened one eye, squinting in the bright light from the false-sky above. "Feels good to smile for a change. Don't think I have since... since Thane died."

"Shit, I'm sorry, Shepard," Garrus muttered. "I didn't mean to -"  
>"No, I know," she murmured. A half-drunk, sad smile took her lips, and she laid her head back. Garrus followed suit, and they watched the sky cars zip by, the roar of their motors cutting the quiet. "I miss him."<p>

"He was a good man," Garrus whispered. "Good for you."

Shepard mumbled something to herself, sniffing in before sitting up to finish her drink. She hung an arm on her knee and looked over the lakes again, the fractures and tension creeping back into her features.

"Want to call Vega in a panic? See how good he is at getting up here - thinking we're about to meet our end?"

Shepard smirked and tried not to laugh. "They let you pull stuff like that in the turian military?"

Garrus sat up with a groan. Finishing his drink, he followed where her eyes went. "Naw. But I've always said I wasn't a very good turian."

Laughing a bit, she shook her head to try and stop the growing shake that filled her. She raised a hand. "You do it. I don't think I could keep from laughing."

"Must be terrible," Garrus murmured and cocked his shoulders back. Inhaling deeply, he put his hands out in front of him. There was a small growl in his throat. "Don't look at me, I'll never get it if I'm looking at you."

"You think I'm funny? Do I make you laugh?"

Garrus rolled his eyes and said, "All humans look pretty damned funny to me, Commander."

Shepard chuckled and settled back on her elbows, as Garrus cleared his throat and gathered his composure.

He took up the comm. "Lt. Vega, come in - come in, damn it!"  
>Throwing an arm over her face, Shepard muffled her laughter and laid back on the white ground of the Presidium upper pylons. A muffled voice responded on the comm.<p>

"I don't care what you're doing - Shepard's down! We need you at our location, hone in on my signal ASAP! We're trapped high up on the presid-" Garrus cut the signal and tossed the communicator aside, as Shepard coughed into a fit of laughter, the sound half lost in the traffic. "There. We have our ride."

Shepard shook her head, laughing despite herself.

"Told you I'd always have your back."

Shepard leant onto the railing beside Liara and looked out over the relative calm of the Presidium. It was a few moments before the asari realized she was there, and looked up from her datapad.

"Oh-h… Commander, I didn't expect to see you."

"Commander now, is it?"

"Would you prefer Shepard? I was also under the impression you hid your first name from the public eye."  
>Shepard smiled thinly and looked at her clasped hands. "Maybe."<p>

Liara shifted her weight and looked down. "Jade then. How are you feeling? Lieutenant Vega had quite the earful for anyone who would listen when he returned to the ship yesterday evening."

"I bet he did," Shepard said with a laugh, and turned around to lean back on the railing. "I'm alright now. I wanted to see you sooner, but… I was busy being stupid with Garrus. And then I… didn't think it was best if I found you while intoxicated, again."

"Oh," Liara replied, and her cheeks darkened as she looked back at the gardens. "Yes. Maybe that is best. I don't want to say anything you might regret."

Shepard exhaled through her nose, and looked down at her fingers on the rail as she strummed them. She looked at Liara's own hands, noting the tension in them. "There aren't many times in my life I say things I regret. That night wasn't one of them."

"I see," Liara said and tilted her head. "I… don't know what to say."

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Liara. I know this – me, how I act, who I am – it can't have been easy on you."

"It's who you are, Jade," Liara said, the tension in her frame loosening some. "It's who you've always been. Your life hasn't been normal since the first moment I met you."

"I've never been very good at this," Shepard said under her breath, and motioned between them. "I know I've hurt you so much –"

"Don't." Liara furrowed her brow. "We're past all of that. I am just happy to be in your life – to be part of your greatness."

Something darkened in Shepard's eyes, and her voice dropped quieter. "You're the only one who knows all that I know – who sees everything I see. The only one who knew all of this was coming, who believed it and who knows the scope of what we're trying to defeat." She shook her head as Liara made to speak, and placed her hand on top of hers on the railing. "I don't know how much time we have left. But I've spent enough time shut away from the people I care about… the people I… love. I need you. I need you there with me."

"I know," Liara whispered, and looked down at their hands. "I'm not going anywhere."

Shepard exhaled heavily, and glanced at the people moving around the Presidium. "It's hard to be selfish. To take even a moment, when I should be fighting."

Liara shook her head and turned to embrace her. It was a moment before Shepard's arms settled around her, and Liara squeezed her. "It's okay to take a breath. We all need to."

_Siha…_

His voice was still clinging to her spine as Shepard showered and dressed in her blues. An hour – no two. That might be the best she'd had since their night on the Citadel. She clenched her jaw and her eyes blurred as she brushed her hair and tied it back into a neat bun. Only Tali would really know what the darkness around her eyes meant.

That softened something inside and lightened her step down through the mess hall. She was cracking a ration when Vega's shadow appeared over her.

"I still haven't forgiven you and Scars, you know."

"Mmhmm," Shepard said, and only gave him a cursory glance. She wolfed down the heated pack of high-protein reconstituent. It had fruity over-tones.

"Best hand of my life! And I left it there," James said, as he leant on the counter behind her. "I left everything there."

"I'm sure those refugees need the creds more than you."

Vega huffed and crossed his arms. He kept his eyes on her and continued to pout as she ate.

When Shepard finished, she smacked his arm and said, "Consider it N7 training."  
>"Yeah, whatever, Lola."<p>

Shepard smiled and licked her lips. "Come and observe my talks with the quarians, then. You need more exposure to the uncomfortable situations that you'll find yourself in."

"I thought you were friends with them?"

"I've learned to assume the worst when going into a room full of politicians."

Shepard gripped the edge of the table and kept her eyes away from the quarian admirals. "Dismissed. I'll have my answer within half a day."

Admiral Ra'an nodded and ushered the others away. When James hesitated, Shepard waved him away, leaving Tali at the table.

"This is the last thing I need right now, Tali," Shepard said through grit teeth.

"You think I don't know that? My people are dying, Shepard!"

"Take a number," Shepard said and pushed up off the table, glancing out the window of the conference room. "Have you seen what's happening in the rest of the galaxy?"

Tali recoiled.

"You know I love you, Tali." Shepard braced her arms on the window and exhaled heavily, before putting a hand to her temple. "This – this isn't anger at you. I don't know how to save everyone. I don't think I can. How do I pick who is going to die while I am here trying to help you invade Rannoch?"  
>"Retake! We are retaking our homeworld!"<p>

Shepard's voice rose in reply. "While I'm here helping two of my allies decimate each other, the rest of them – my people, Garrus' people – are being harvested by the Reapers! And no matter what, I will be losing out! Whether it's you, or them, or..." She lapsed into silence and ran a hand over her mouth, exhaling heavily.

"I didn't want this, Shepard, you know I didn't!" Tali replied and edged closer. "I haven't heard from Legion in months – I think they did something to him, they must have. He never would have let this happen."

"Let it happen? Did the geth have a choice this time?" Shepard asked in a veiled whisper. "I know the Admiralty board isn't telling me everything – when I was taken to Earth, you and the geth were on speaking terms. The quarians tried to eradicate them before – from where I'm standing, this just looks like you're trying to finish the job."

Tali huffed before saying, "It was Daro'Xen – happy? Her and that niece of hers, they found my father's research and used it against the geth. I tried to stop them, but I am just one person!"

"Maybe grant me the same courtesy?"

Tali's voice weakened. "I did everything I could, but she and Han'Gerrel –"

"Your father's friend... he turned against you?"

"He certainly doesn't see it that way - _Tali, this was what your father wanted, he did it all for you_. I didn't ask for any of it!"

The hum of the ship hung between them.

"I'm sorry, Tali," Shepard whispered and stepped closer to her. "I had no idea what was going on with the Fleet. I wish I had. I'm your captain."

"We've been cut-off from the rest of the galaxy – even the most basic news has been a struggle to obtain. The geth isolated us by trapping our ships. It's been horrible... but you're alive. I can't tell you what it meant to learn you were alive."

Shepard exhaled and pulled Tali in for a hug. "There's something we can both agree on."

"That you're happy you're alive? Gee thanks, Shepard."

She stepped back and chuckled, "Anytime."

"So what do we do now?"

Bridging a hand over her brow, Shepard sighed. "We suit up and find a way onto that dreadnaught. What else can we do?"

"Thank you for being here - for helping us. It means a lot."

"Like I said, I'm your captain. It's my duty," Shepard said and gave Tali's shoulder a squeeze. "And even if I weren't – what are friends for?"

"I need more friends willing to lead a ship into war."

"There's always Garrus? I'm sure he'd do it if you gave him one. Scratch that, where would our guns be without his diligent calibrations?"

Tali chuckled and shook her head.


End file.
